Headlines from the year 2030
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh-largest country in the world, Little India, formerly known as Australia.
Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.
White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia's third language.
Children from 2-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different' - Tolerance urged.
Gay marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.
Kookaburra and platypus plague threatens Little India's (formerly Australia's) crops and livestock.
Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing burqa - being Christian is no excuse, says school: Sharia law must be enforced
Japan announces it will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet is unemployed; Little India (formerly Australia) tells Japan cane toads taste like whale meat.
Little India (formerly Australia) now has 10 universities of political correctness. Professor Goldman of Little India National University says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.
Little India (formerly Australia) deficit $10 trillion and rising; Government declares return to surplus in 100 years - 300 years ahead of schedule. PM Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.
Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Iran still quarantined; physicists estimate it will take 10 years for radioactivity to decrease to safe level.
The Islamic Republic of New Morocco (formerly France) pleads for global help after being taken over by Muslim countries - no nation steps forward.
Castro dies aged 104; Cuban cigars can now be imported to USA legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned smoking.
Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US president in 2032.
Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and cuts deliveries to Wednesdays only.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in VicIndia and New South Iraq.
Senate still blocks drilling in Canberra as petrol hits 5000 rupees a litre and petrol stations are open only on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Supreme Court rules punishing criminals violates their civil rights: victims to share responsibility for crime.
New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.
Australian Tax Office cuts tax rate to 75% - lowest in decades.
I was sitting in my car at a red light yesterday minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green.
A carload of bearded young loud Muslims, shouting anti-Aussie slogans with a half-burned Aussie Flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray-painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the lights changed.
Out of nowhere, a bus came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes, I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me!".
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al-Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al-Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very unfair."
Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton where he currently resides, an Al-Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathise with our workers' concerns, but Al-Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my members that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow, Shellharbour Australia and British Columbia stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslim men know what a virgin looks like, they are no longer so keen on going to paradise.
I went to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said, "Darling you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen" I said, "That bastard next door has still got my shovel."
Leading drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in scientific experiments. Muslims will now be used instead.
A top scientist stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed faster than rabbits and you don't get fond of them.
The Meteorological Office announced that the climate in Britain should no longer be referred to as English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the British population, it will now be referred to as Muslim Weather.
Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
A woman walking down the street saw a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY-LICKING FROG $25".
Being curious, the woman proceeded inside and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like to see the fanny-licking frog please."
The shopkeeper replied, "Bonjour! Mais oui!"
I was on a train and sitting in the toilet when a voice called out, "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you," said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No problem," I said. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn!"
My son asked me, "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?"
I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan shaped tails and live on insects.
A black bird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on welfare benefits."
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
In 1272, Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
I was walking through the mall, and went into a Muslim Bookshop.
The assistant asked if he could help me.
I asked for a copy of the Australian Immigration Policy Book.
The assistant said, "Fuck off, Get Out and Stay Out."
I replied, Yes thatís the one."
My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like now. It didn't start well when the bus we were travelling on broke down a few kilometres south west of the capital.
What a third world shit-hole! Streets full of angry bearded men glaring at us and my wife stood out like a sore thumb in her sun dress, as all other women had head-to-toe burqas. Oh my God, we are dead, I thought.
Luckily, Dave the organiser knows his way around well. He suddenly remembered that Lakemba had a railway station, so we were able to get safely to Sydney airport and then on to Kabul.
I saw a car parked outside Woolworths with a bumper sticker that said, "I Miss Alice Springs."
So I smashed the windows, slashed the tyres, stole the radio and left several empty beer cans on the seat with a note saying, "Hope this helps."
A local mosque opened its doors and invited non-Muslims to visit in the spirit of their faith's willingness to be open and welcoming, so I decided to go for the first time to see what it was all about.
At the time I was limping a little. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said, "By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."
I told him that I wasn't paralysed and that I only had a small bunion on my left foot.
He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra, "By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you WILL walk today."
Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me. But ffter prayers I stepped outside and bugger me, he was right. My car was gone.