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HUMOUR 09

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STRANGE MEDICINE

Ahmed the Arab came to Sydney from the Middle East. He was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The Arab doctor said, "Ahmed, take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket, piss on de shit and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."


BEGGARS

Ahmed and Hamid were both beggars at several traffic lights in Sydney. Ahmed drove a Mercedes, lived in a mortgage-free house and had a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brought in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

One day, Hamid asked Ahmed how he managed to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day.

Ahmed said; "Look at your sign - it says, I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

"Aussies who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family, whether they give you money or not! Now look at my sign!"

So Hamid looked and Ahmed's sign stated: "I only need another $10 to move back to Lebanon! "


THE SOUTH AFRICAN

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Sydney's Bondi Beach.

He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie who was sitting close by, 'Vot are all dose little bleck tings out dere?'

'They're buoys,' said the Aussie.

'Boys?' replied Van der Merwe. 'Vot are dey doing out dere?'

'Holding up the shark net,' the Aussie told him.

'Great country dis!' said the South African, deeply impressed. 'We'd neffer git away with dat at home!'


THE ISLAMIC IMMIGRANT SONG

I sneak into Aussie, poor and broke, Take bus to see employment folk
Nice man treat me good in there, Say I need to see welfare

Welfare say, "You come no more, We'll send cash right to your door"
Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy, Medicare, it keep you healthy

By and by, got plenty money, Thanks to you, Australian dummy
Write to friends in motherland, Tell them "come fast as you can"

They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks
They come here, we live together, More welfare cheques, it just gets better

Fourteen families, they moving in, But neighbour's patience wearing thin
Finally white guy, he moves away, Now I buy his house and then I say

"Find more Muslims for house to rent", And in the yard I put a tent
Send for family, they just trash, But they too, draw welfare cash

Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighbourhood
We have hobby it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding

Kids need dentist, wife need pills, We get for free, we got no bills
Australian crazy, he pay all year, To keep the welfare running here

We think Australia darnn good place, Too damn good for white man race
If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Afghanistan


SOMALIAN IMMIGRANT

A Somalian arrived in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.

He stopped the first person he saw walking down the street and said, "Thank you Mr Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"

The passerby said, "You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander."

The man went on and encountered another passerby. " Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia!"

The person said, "I not Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walked further and the next person he saw he stopped, shook his hand and said, "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!"

That person put up his hand and said, "I am from Middle East, I am not Australian!"

He finally saw a nice lady and asked, "Are you an Australian?"

She said, "No, I am from Africa!"

Puzzled, he asked her, "Where are all the Australians?"

The African lady checked her watch and said, "Probably at work."


MILITARY WISDOM

If the enemy is in range, so are you - Infantry Journal

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. - US Air Force Manual

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. - General MacArthur

You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me. - US Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant

Tracers work both ways. - US Army Ordnance

Five second fuses only last three seconds. - Infantry Journal

Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.

Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. - Unknown Marine Recruit

If you see a bomb technician running, follow him. - USAF Ammo Troop

Though I fly through the Valley of Death, I shall fear no evil, for I am at 80,000 feet and climbing.

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3 - Paul F Crickmore (test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The two most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: 'Where are we?' And 'Oh Shit!'

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there! Except maybe for the SR-71 in orbit.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

As the test pilot climbed out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrived, the rescuer saw a bloodied pilot and asked 'What happened?'. The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'- Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)


BRITISH QUIZ SHOWS

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The .?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY SHOW
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY SHOW
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er .
Leslie: He makes bread.
Contestant: Er . ..
Leslie: He makes cakes.
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er..... er... three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er .. Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.


IDIOT SIGHTINGS

Garage Door - We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one B&D made at that time, one of horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a horsepower." I responded that was larger than . He said, "NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.." We haven't used this repairman since.

Change - My daughter and I went through the McDonalds drive-through window and I gave the teen a $20 note. Our total was $10.50, so I also handed her fifty cents. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me ten dollars back." She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so and he handed me back the fifty cents and said, "We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing." The teen then proceeded to give me back $9.50 in change.

Sign Of Danger - I live in a semi-rural area. A new neighbour recently called the local council office to request the removal of the Kangaroo sign on our road. The reason: "Too many kangaroos are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

Food Service - My daughter went to a local Hungry Jack's and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

High Security - I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Blind Stupidity - The stop light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Moron At Work - I was at a goodbye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that animal-in-the-headlights stare.

Power Play - I work with an individual who plugged her computer power board back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

Mechanically Unsound - When my husband and I arrived at a dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey!" I announced to the technician, "It's open."' He replied, "I know. I already got that side."


JESUS AND MOSES PLAY GOLF

Jesus and Moses were playing a round of golf. Jesus looked at the lake and said, "Hm, I reckon that Tiger Woods would use a 6 iron to shoot across this lake.

Moses replied, "No way, Jesus. You need a 5 iron to get your ball across. If you use a 6 iron, it will go straight into the lake."

Jesus scoffed, "Tiger Woods is the best golfer of all time and he'd use a 6 iron for sure."

Moses said, "If you use that 6 iron, your ball will land in the lake."

Jesus replied, "Tiger Woods would definitely use a 6 iron and that's exactly what I'm going to do."

So Jesus took the shot with the 6 iron and as Moses said, his ball landed straight into the middle of the lake. So Jesus set out across the top of of the water, looking for his lost ball.

Another golfer, who had been watching this whole incident walked up to Moses and said, "Who the hell does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?" Moses replied, "Well, he IS Jesus Christ, but he thinks he's Tiger Woods.


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