One morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani man ran out from the bushes in front of him and shot his poor dog three times and the dog died instantly.
The billionaire screamed at the killer, "Why did you do that?"
The killer answered, "Your wife gave me $50,000 and said, "Go kill that son of a bitch."
The billionaire hugged the killer and with tears in his eyes said, "I am forever grateful to your English teacher".
THE GRIM SWEEPER
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00am, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was US$80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild, amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a broom, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
A Polish fellow went to the DMV to apply for a driver's licence.
Of course he had to take an eyesight test The examiner showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the examiner asked.
"Read it?" the Polack replied, "I know the guy."
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
The definition of a will? A dead give away
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's licence.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over K-Mart. "K-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why K-Mart?" The woman retorted, "Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
The Senility Prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
What is the death rate around here?
Same as everywhere - one death per person.
Doctor, I'm afraid to die.
Nonsense, that's the last thing you'll do.
Doctor, my father knew exactly the date and time he was going to die.
How did he know that?
The judge told him.
Doctor, I think I have Parkinson's Disease and I think he's got mine.
The doctor told me to take these pills for the rest of my life.
What's wrong with that?
He only gave me six of them.
The doctor told me that I only had six months to live. When I told him that I couldn't pay my bill, he gave me another six months.
Doctor: I have some bad news and some worse news?
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You only have a fortnight to live.
Patient: Hell, what's worse than that?
Doctor: I should have told you two weeks ago.
Doctor: Mrs Jones, I have some good news for you.
Patient: It's not Mrs Jones, it's Miss Jones.
Doctor: Miss Jones, I have some bad news for you.
The doctor was explaining to Paddy how nature adjusted some physical disabilities. "For example, if a man is blind, he develops a keen sense of hearing and touch. If he's stone deaf, he develops other senses."
"Oi know whatcher mean," said Paddy. "Oi've noticed that when a bloke has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer."
Doctor: You can tell your husband that he's going to be a daddy.
Patient: I don't have a husband.
Doctor: Well tell your boyfriend.
Patient: I don't have a boyfriend. In fact I've never gone with any man in my life.
Doctor: That's funny, last time this happened there was a big star in the east.
The playboy was having his annual checkup.
"Sex?" asked the doctor.
"Infrequently," replied the playboy.
"Is that one word or two?" asked the doctor.