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HUMOUR 07

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COCKPIT CHAT

The following are excerpts from conversations the airline passengers don't hear. They are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Flight Center: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Flight Center: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
Unknown aircraft: "I'm fucking bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
Approach Control :"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
ATC: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern . we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. This amusing exchange was heard between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, callsign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt ,Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark....and I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?


GREAT QUOTES

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending - and have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir - mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object. Every time I want sex, she objects.
Les Dawson

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates - Philosopher

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
WC Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Unknown

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Unknown

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Unknown


QUIZ SHOW MORONS

It's hard to believe people like this exist. Some of them are determined not to be helped. They must have been born and raised in a deep mineshaft and only brought out for these shows!

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials GBS?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?

FAMILY FORTUNES
01) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword.
02) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon.
03) Name the capital of France? - F.
04) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell.
05) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar.
06) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital.
07) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil.
08) A famous Scotsman? - Jock.
09) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs.
11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water.
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse.
13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair.
14) A famous Royal? - Mail.
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings.
16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters.
17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet.
18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate.
19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on.
20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police.
21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April.
22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing.
23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep.
24) Something you put on walls? - A roof.
25) Something slippery? - A conman.
26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish.
27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam.
28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato.
29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas.
30 ) Something red? - My sweater.

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant : Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant : Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show, so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant : Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.


SMART GUY

A man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He said that he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer said that the bank would need some kind of security for the loan, so the man handed over the keys and proof of ownership papers to a new Rolls Royce parked outside. The bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you were a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The man replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


CLEVER DRIVERS

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's traffic school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my licence plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The colour.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.


TEXAS COPS

The following police comments were taken from actual Dallas police car videos.

Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.

Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.

Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?

So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?

Yes sir, by all means you can talk to the shift supervisor if you think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?

Warning? You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you that when you run that stop sign again, I'll give you another ticket.

The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen pal, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horsey doo!

Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.

Just how big were those two beers?

In God we trust, all others we run through the records department.

I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.

Excuse me ma'am? You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? Well, you're right, we don't. Now, sign here.


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