Ziggy Zapata Title

HUMOUR 06

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SIGNS SPOTTED IN ENGLAND

In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

In a laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In another office: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

Outside a second hand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Quicksand Warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

On a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.


AMAZING BUT TRUE

Buffalo New York Police responded to the Naomi's Busy Mart's alarm. The store was closed and after searching the place and failing to find anyone there, they promptly decided to help themselves to some munchies.

Later, after the police left, two burglars broke in and stole a variety of things.

The police responded again (this time, with reinforcements) and again, after failing to find anyone, helped themselves to more munchies.

All of the above was captured very nicely on the store's security camera.

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Canada's Health Ministry warned Eskimos that dangerous pesticides, carried on the winds and ocean currents, had contaminated seal and whale blubber, making them unsafe to eat.

The Ministry then told the Eskimos that they should continue eating the blubber because, even with the contaminants, it was at least as healthy as the standard North American diet of processed and junk food.

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Due to a loophole in the state law, three convicted felons ran for sheriff in three Mississippi counties. They won.

However, none of the new sheriffs were permitted to carry guns. It's against the law for convicted felons to carry guns.

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The government of Chile spent $2.5 million to build a luxury prison to house two men: Former secret police boss General Manuel Contreras and Pedro Espinoza. The fifteen foot wall surrounding the facility was not intended to keep the men in - it was to keep the snooping reporters out.

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US Fish and Wildlife Service scientists in Tacoma Washington announced plans to kill about forty sea ducks (Surf Scoters). They want to try to find out why their numbers are declining.

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In Finland, a computer system for ATMs was developed to shorten the amount of time that people would have to spend out in the sub-zero temperatures. Unfortunately, it proved to be too fast for the customers and sometimes they couldn't get either their money or their cards before the security systems would retrieve and keep them.

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In Leesburg Florida, a woman was trying to decide on whether to join the Army or the Navy. The Army recruiter she was talking to told her that the Navy couldn't guarantee the training she wanted.

The Navy recruiter next door spoke up, saying that they could. An hour later, in response to this, three Army sergeants tried to smash the Navy office. Two Marines rushed in to help the Navy.

Army 'won' because one of the trio had a crowbar and actually hit a Marine over the head with it. The woman, suitably 'impressed' with the Army, signed up with the Navy.

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The US Army issued Bronze Stars to seven members of the Third Armored Cavalry Regiment for Meritorious Service during the Persian Gulf War.

Their accomplishment? Accidentally firing on US soldiers, killing one and wounding another.

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Washington DC recently had a problem with a sniper who shot over a dozen people before being captured. A local radio station had just finished the latest news on the sniper and resumed the music play. The song played was Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust".

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Two paid and six volunteer firemen in Maryland USA responded to a fire at a two story town house. Upon arrival, they began to argue over who would be first to carry the fire hose into the building.

This argument escalated into an actual fight and the police had to be summoned to break it up.

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Four medical students at Kashima University in Tokyo were expelled. They were dissecting cadavers when one student pulled a part of a brain from one skull and threw it at another student.

This quickly degenerated to a 'brain fight' between the four. Finally, they went to a window and started throwing brains at people walking by. One of the students blamed the incident on the pressures of study and no sleep.

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Two robbers in St Louis USA wound up in intensive care after trying to mug two men outside a club. The two would-be victims yelled and their friends and relatives inside the club came a-calling and beat up the muggers.

Oh, and the club? It was the Stop The Violence Club.

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A Danish Maersk Airlines passenger jet was forced to make an emergency landing in Lyons France when the co-pilot had a panic attack. He was afraid of heights.


FIRST AID

A group of US marines arriving in Afghanistan found themselves taking a surprise refresher course on first aid. Following an involved lesson on making splints, dressing wounds and applying tourniquets to stop bleeding, the instructor decided to determine how well the marine class had grasped the information given.

"Goldberg," he said, pointing to one of the marines, "Say you captured Bin Laden and find he has sustained a minor head wound, what do you do about it?"

"That's easy, Sir," said Goldberg. "I wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stops."


AIRLINE DRAMA QUEEN

An American Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch!"


QUOTES

Michael Buerk, as he watched Phillippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on 'This Morning':
"She was practising fastest finger first on her own in bed last night."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

Carenza Lewis, about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live', said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and hadn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" (The weatherman and half the crew were so helpless with laughter they had to leave the set.)

Bobby Simpson, commenting on cricketer Neil Fairbrother's shot:
"With his lovely soft hands, he just tossed it off."

Mike Hallett, discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wishes he had a hard on now."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ted Walsh, horse racing commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

Murray Walker, F1 racing commentator:
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics:
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open (an old favourite):
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

US PGA Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ....Oh my god, what have I just said?!"

Metro Radio:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 (the most famous of all?):
"Ah, isn't that nice? The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:
"And this is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"


ONLY IN AMERICA

Drive-through banks, pharmacies and liquor stores.

Parking lots larger than the buildings they serve.

Sugar-frosted honey-coated deep-fat-fried cheese sticks - and a Diet Coke.

Bumper stickers that say "Honk if you hate noise pollution".

Creationists who insist that the pharmaceutical drugs they use first be tested on monkeys and chimps.

Football in which the ball is carried or propelled much more by hand than by foot.

People who argue that human life is so sacred that abortion justifies capital punishment.

A country where the "Lower Forty-eight" states are north of Hawaii and where the "Continental US" doesn't include Alaska, which is clearly on the same continent.

A country where everyone has time to mow their three-acre lawn each week, but no one has time to cook their own food.

People who value equality so much that they think discrimination should be used to create it.

Academic institutions known more for their athletes than their scholars.

A country where the Big Ten has eleven schools, and a fifth is four fifths of a quart.

A country where "evil-doer" and "do-gooder" are both negative characterisations.

A country that claims to hate lawyers and that elects only lawyers to public office.

Prices of gasoline that are a fraction of the price of drinking water and people complaining about the price of gasoline.

A State Department that has nothing to do with the states.

"In God We Trust" written on every piece of money of a nation that alleges to separate church and state.

A country where only the well-to-do ride bicycles.

One of the world's most technologically advanced countries, with the most antiquated system of weights and measures.

"The Land of the Free" with the world's second highest incarceration rate.

A principled refusal to ratify the 1989 United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child. (Somalia is the only other nation with the same principles.)


DIVERT YOUR COURSE - OR ELSE

The following is allegedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


PROCTOLOGY

A physician claimed that the following were actual comments made by his patients, predominately heterosexual males, while he was performing their colonoscopies:

Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!

Find Amelia Earhart yet?

Can you hear me NOW?

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

You know in Arkansas we're now legally married.

Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?

You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...

Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!

If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.

You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?

Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there?


WORD GAMES

The Washington Post published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners were.................

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.


MORE WORD GAMES

The Washington Post's Style Invitational again this year asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

And the winners are .......

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, you know, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer?

Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


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