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HUMOUR 04

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THE FIANCEÉ

A young gay man called home and told his Jewish mother that he had decided to go back into the closet because he had met a wonderful girl and they were going to be married.

He told his mother that he was sure she would be happier since he knew that his gay lifestyle had been very disturbing to her, but now he would be going "straight."

She responded that she was indeed delighted and asked tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

He told her that not only was the girl Jewish, but she was from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. The mother admitted that she was overwhelmed by the news, and asked, "What is her name?"

He answered, "Monica Lewinsky."

There was a long pause, then his mother asked, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"


THE DANCERS

The couple were dancing cheek to cheek when she said, "Let's go outside to the car."

He complained, "But the band is playing my favourite music."

She said, "Sure, but I know you want to go out to the car, so let's go."

He finally relented. When they went out of the dance hall, it was pitch black. He produced a torch from his pocket.

She took one look and cried, "Did you have that in your pocket all night?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Let's go back to the dance." she said.


THE PORTER

An American tycoon had just checked in at a Sydney hotel.

"I am a man of few words," he said to the porter.

"If you see me beckon with my finger, that means for you to come."

"I'm a man of few words myself," replied the porter.

"If I shake my head, it means I ain't coming!"


IN CHARGE

The Chamber of Commerce was hosting a banquet for a delegation of American businessmen.

During the dinner, one of the Americans at the head table asked the waiter for more butter.

"Sorry," replied the waiter, "Only one pat of butter per person."

The Chamber president overheard this and turned red with embarrassment.

He called the waiter aside and said, "Do you know who that man is? He's in charge of the American delegation."

"And do you know who I am?" the waiter snarled, "I am in charge of the butter!"


THE MOTORIST

The motorist had been booked for speeding and had given his name as Fred Shagbreak and also his workplace.

The cop turned up with a summons and asked the receptionist, "Do you have a Shagbreak here?"

She replied, "Are you kidding? It took the union two years to get us a coffee break!"


THE SALESMAN

A young guy moved to Sydney and went to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid replied, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid said, "One."

The manager groaned, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The manager exclaimed in disbelief, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Hains Hunter.

The kid continued, "Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

The manager said, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

The kid replied, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's screwed, you might as well go fishing."


IN TASMANIA

A fellow walked into a bar in Tasmania and ordered a beer.

The bartender looked at him suspiciously, "You ain't from down here. Where are you from, lad?"

The fellow replied, "I'm from Sydney."

The bartender asked, "What do you do in Sydney?"

The reply was, "I'm a taxidermist."

"A taxidermist?" said the barman, "what's a taxidermist?"

The fellow said, "That's a person who mounts dead animals."

The barman smiled and shouted to the rest of the people in the bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"


THE PSYCHIATRIST

Bill went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I've got a big problem. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody underneath it and it's driving me crazy. What can I do?"

The shrink replied, "Just come to me three times a week for a year and I'll cure you completely."

"How much do you charge?" asked Bill.

"Only $100 per visit." said the shrink.

Bill answered, "I'll think about it" and left.

Six months later the shrink ran into Bill on the street.

He asked, "Why didn't you come and be treated by me?"

Bill exclaimed, "Not for $100 per session - a bartender cured me for free."

"How did he do that?" asked the psychiatrist.

Bill replied with a grin, "He told me to cut the legs off my bed!"


INERTIAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM SIMPLIFIED

The aircraft knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't, or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is the greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation.

The Inertial Guidance System uses deviations to generate error signal commands, which instruct the aircraft to move from a position where it is to a position where it isn't, arriving at a position where it wasn't, or now is. Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position where it wasn't; thus it follows logically that the position where it was is the position where it isn't.

In the event that the position where the aircraft now is, is not the position where it wasn't, the Inertial Guidance System has acquired a variation. Variations are caused by external factors, the discussions of which are beyond the scope of this report.

A variation is the difference between where the aircraft is and where the aircraft wasn't. If the variation is considered to be a factor of significant magnitude, a correction may be applied by the use of the autopilot system. However, use of this correction requires that the aircraft now knows where it was because the variation has modified some of the information which the aircraft has, so it is sure where it isn't.

Nevertheless, the aircraft is sure where it isn't (within reason) and it knows where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from where it isn't, where it ought to be from where it wasn't (or vice versa) and integrates the difference with the product of where it shouldn't be and where it was; thus obtaining the difference between its deviation and its variation, which is variable constant called "error".


THE MERCHANT

Abraham was an old Jewish yarn merchant who lived next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.

One day the anti-Semite called up Abraham and said, "Hey Jew!!! I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."

Abe said, "OK."

The next morning the anti-Semite was awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He ran outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard was a 2 metre deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presented a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.

The guy started yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?"

Straightfaced, Abe replied "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but...the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!"


THE LONE RANGER

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out riding the range one day.

Our masked hero ordered, "Tonto, put your ear to the ground and see what's going on."

Tonto dutifully dismounted and pressed his ear to the ground.

The Lone Ranger asked, "Well Tonto, what did you discover?"

Tonto said, "Buffalo come."

Our hero exclaimed, "That's incredible! How do you know that?"

Tonto replied, "Ear sticky!"


TELEPHONE INSTRUCTIONS

A couple of hunters in the rural south of the USA were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing, his eyes were rolled back in his head.

The other guy whipped out his cell phone and called the emergency operator. He gasped, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There was a silence, then a shot was heard.

The guy's voice came back on the line, "OK, now what?"


POETRY FROM THE BRONX

Spring has sprung, de grass is riz
I wonder where dem boidies is
Dem little boids is on de wing
Ain't dat absoid?
Dem little wings are on de boid!

Toity poiple boids
Sittin' on de koib
Choipin' and a boipin'
And eatin' doity woims


FACTS FROM THE AUSTRALIAN BUREAU OF STATISTICS

3 people die each year testing 9 volt batteries on their tongues.

142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas trees while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 people have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolates.

Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after crackerpulling incidents.

101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 people had serious burns in 1998 caused by trying on new jumpers with lit cigarettes in their mouths.

543 people were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye sockets.

5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

8 people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep or passing out while throwing up into the toilet.


THE WISH

An explorer landed on a remote island in the Pacific and wandered along the beach. Suddenly he was surrounded by natives and taken to a village. He was brought before the chief, who welcomed him profusely and offered him food, drink and accommodation. The explorer was most overwhelmed at this gracious reception.

However the explorer noticed one thing. The chief was a very handsome islander with a strong physique and manly features, but his head was extremely small in proportion to his body, in fact, very tiny indeed.

After spending some time enjoying the chief's hospitality, the explorer could not contain his curiosity, so he very tentatively said, "Chief, you are a very handsome and virile man and I am embarrassed to ask, but I am dying to know. Could you please tell me why your head is so tiny in comparison with your body?"

The chief replied, "It is really no secret. When I was a young man, everything about me was well in proportion and my head was of normal size, however one day I was walking along the beach, when all of a sudden I saw an incredible sight. Lying tangled in a fishing net was a mermaid! She was struggling and seemed to be near death."

"I ran to her rescue and untangled her from the net. She was eternally grateful and told me that because I had saved her life, she would grant me a wish because she was endowed with magical powers."

"Well, I was young and virile and she was extremely beautiful, so I said to her, I would dearly like to make love to you because you are so stunningly gorgeous."

She replied, "Dear sir, I would dearly grant you this wish, but as you can see, I am a mermaid and my sexual organ is not compatible with yours."

"So I looked at her and said, well then, could you give me a little head?"


THE CURFEW

Pedro and Miguel were enforcing the curfew in the Mexican town.

Pedro suggested to Miguel, "You patrol this side of the street and I will patrol the other."

A few minutes later a shot rang out and Pedro ran across the street, to discover Miguel with a smoking gun in his hand, standing over a dead man lying on the pavement.

"Why did you shoot him?" demanded Pedro. "The curfew is not in force for another half an hour!

"I know that," said Miguel. "But I know this hombre and where he lives. There is no way he would have got home in time!"


FLIES

"Hey Sambo, what's dem flies flyin' roun' ma face?"

"Rastus, dem's horseflies."

"What's horseflies, Sambo?"

"Well Rastus, dem's flies dat fly roun' horse's asses."

"Hey hold on dere Sambo! You sayin' dat my face is like a horse's ass?"

"Rastus, I ain't sayin nuthin' but you can't fool dem flies!"


SMART PILLS

"Hey Sambo, what yo' doin' dere?"

"Howdy Rastus, I'se havin' de picnic."

"Sambo, dems sandwiches looks yummy - I'se t'ink I'se have me a couple."

"Hey Rastus, dats mah lunch yo' jest ate."

"Sambo, dats a nice lemonade yo' got dere - I'se t'ink I'se have dat too."

"Rastus, dats mah drink yo' just drank."

"Hey Sambo dat was yummy - wait a minute, what's dem little black balls lyin' next to yo' picnic blanket?"

"Rastus, dems Smart Pills."

"So Sambo, what's Smart Pills?"

"Rastus mah boy, you eat dem pills and dey make yo' smarter."

"Sambo, I'se gonna eat dem Smart Pills."

"Be mah guest, Rastus."

"Hey Sambo, I'se eaten lots of dem Smart Pills now and dey taste just like sheep shit!"

"Yo' see Rastus, yo' getting smarter and smarter all de time!"


THE NAVY

The navy recruiting officer looked the applicant up and down.

"Can you swim?" he demanded.

"Why," replied the prospective sailor. "Don't you have any boats?"


BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER

From the Washington Post:

The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula Georgia, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 pm on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch when he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"


FLYING UNITED

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart, funny and making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F#%@ you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.


SPANISH FOOD

A tourist walked into a restaurant in Spain and demanded the speciality of the house.

The waiter returned with a couple of very large meatballs on a plate.

"What are these?" asked the tourist.

The waiter replied, "Señor, this is the speciality of the house - they are cojones."

"What on earth are cojones?" asked the tourist.

"They are the testicles of the bull killed at the bullfight today." said the waiter.

Rather apprehensively, the tourist tried them and found them to be extremely delicious. For the next week, he came back to the restaurant and ordered cojones and ate them with gusto.

One day the tourist ordered cojones and the waiter brought out two very small meatballs.

The tourist eyed them and exclaimed, "These are the smallest cojones I have ever seen!"

The waiter retorted, "Señor, sometimes the bull, he does not lose."


THE BMW

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drove his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The attendant at the pump greeted him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro was.

"Top of the mornin' to yerz, sir" said the attendant.

Tiger nodded a quick "hello" and bent forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he did so, two tees fell out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees" replied Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquired the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" said Tiger.

"Jaysus" exclaimed the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"


DOCTORS

Patient: "Doctor, I'm afraid to die."

Doctor: "Nonsense, that's the last thing you'll do."

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Patient: "Doctor, I think I have Parkinson's Disease and I think he's got mine."

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The patient said, "The doctor told me that I had to take these pills for the rest of my life."

His friend replied, "What's wrong with that?"

The patient cried, "He only gave me six of them."

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The doctor said, "I told him that he only has six months to live. Then he told me that he couldn't pay my bill."

His wife asked, "So what did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I gave him another six months."

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Doctor: "I have some bad news and some worse news?"

Patient: "What's the bad news, Doctor?"

Doctor: "You only have a fortnight to live."

Patient: "Hell, what's worse than that?"

Doctor: "I should have told you two weeks ago."

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The doctor said, "Mrs Jones, I have some good news for you."

The your lady replied, "It's not Mrs Jones, Doctor, it's Miss Jones."

The doctor responded, "Miss Jones, I have some bad news for you."

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The doctor was explaining to Paddy how nature adjusted some physical disabilities.

He said, "For example, if a man is blind, he develops a keen sense of hearing and touch. If he's stone deaf, he develops other senses."

"Oi know whatcher mean," said Paddy. "Oi've noticed that when a bloke has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer."

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The doctor said to the young lady, "You can tell your husband that he's going to be a daddy."

She replied, "I don't have a husband. Doctor."

"Well then, tell your boyfriend," said the doctor.

She stated, "I don't have a boyfriend. In fact I've never been with any man in my life."

The doctor looked out the window and said, "That's funny, last time this happened there was a big star in the east."

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The ageing playboy was having his annual checkup.

"Sex?" asked the doctor.

"Infrequently," replied the playboy.

"Is that one word or two?" asked the doctor.


A FEW IDIOTS OF THE YEAR 2001

In Miami Florida, a man who tried to engage a contract killer picked the wrong person - the son of his intended victim. José Sosa offered Leandro Pulido money to kill or maim a man who owed him money. When he heard his father's name, Pulido informed police and Sosa was arrested.

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In Bordeaux France, having failed to persuade a post office clerk to hand over a sack of money, a would-be armed robber decided to withdraw cash from his own account. When the clerk explained that he didn't have the large sum the man demanded, the hapless crook settled for a small amount of cash, handing over his account book and identity card to do so. Police arrested him at his home shortly afterwards.

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In Izmir Turkey, a policeman survived accidentally shooting himself in the head as he scratched the side of his face with his service revolver. When the cop unwittingly pulled the trigger, the bullet went through his right temple and out the other side, leaving people to wonder what he actually had in his head.


THE GUNFIGHTER

The gunfighter rode up to the saloon, tied his horse to the rail and went inside for a drink. After he finished, he went back out, to find that his horse was gone.

He crashed back through the saloon doors, firing his guns and screamed, "If my horse ain't back tied to that rail by the time I finish my next drink, I'm gonna do what I did in Texas!"

With that, the gunfighter drank another whisky and strode out of the saloon. His horse had reappeared, tied to the rail.

As he mounted his steed, an old codger sitting on the veranda asked, "Hey Mister, what did you actually do in Texas?"

The gunfighter replied, "Well, I had to walk home."


THE GUNFIGHTER AGAIN

The gunfighter rode up to the saloon, tied his horse to the rail and went inside for a drink. After he finished, he went back out, to find a big yellow stripe painted down his horse's nose.

He burst back into the saloon and shouted, "Who's the hombre that painted the stripe on my horse's nose?

A massive 8-foot tall very muscular cowpoke stood up, grabbed the gunfighter by the neck and said, "I did it! So what?"

The gunfighter whimpered, "I think it's about ready for the second coat!"


THE GENIE

A husband took his wife to play golf. Of course the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?"

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," spoke the genie. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife," replied the genie.

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind. But what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into the wife's eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No shit!" exclaimed the genie. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"


AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN

In the mid 1960's a US Navy cruiser put into port in Mobile, Alabama for a week's R & R. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a very wealthy plantation owner and industrialist:

Dear Captain,

My daughter Susan's debutante ball will be on Thursday. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8pm sharp, prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dancing with lovely young ladies.

PS - No Jews.

Sure enough, at 8pm on Thursday, the lady followed her butler to answer a rap at the door, which was opened by the butler. She found in dress uniform, four handsome, exquisitely mannered and smiling black naval officers.

Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."


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