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HUMOUR 03

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THE STELLA AWARD

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded US$2.9 million in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - the Stella Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the USA. The ones you see listed below are clear candidates.

All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet with the right attorney you could win anything!

December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

June 1998: Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcap.

October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms Robertson's son.

May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on some soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

November 2000, Merv Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. Winniebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their vehicles.

And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail:

Kenmore Inc, the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, "just a few minutes, on low." The case was quickly dismissed.


THE JEWISH COUPLE

An older Jewish gentleman married a younger lady and they were very much in love. However, no matter what the husband did sexually, the woman never achieved orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listened to their story, stroked his beard and made the following suggestion. He told them to hire a strapping young man and while the two of them were making love, the young man would wave a towel over them. That would help the wife fantasise and thus bring on an orgasm.

The couple went home and followed the rabbi's advice. They hired a handsome young man and he waved a towel over them as they made love. It didn't help and she was still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they went back to the rabbi.

"Okay," said the rabbi to the husband, "Let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again they followed the rabbi's advice. The young man got into bed with the wife and the husband waved the towel. The young man went to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon had an enormous screaming room-shaking orgasm.

The husband smiled, looked at the young man and said to him triumphantly, "You see, Schmuck? THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"


ZACHARY DISEASE

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.

In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms.

He said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor".

She crawled rapidly to the other side of the room.

Dr Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me,"

She crawled as fast as she could, right back to the doctor.

Dr Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease - worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was.

He replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY rike your ass!"


WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE LET OUT OF THE COUNTRY

Actual comments from US travel agents

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT and I'm overweight. Is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, madam, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" She replied, "That's it! I knew it was a big animal"


CONSTIPATION

A man went to a doctor, complaining that he was constipated.

The doctor handed him some suppositories, saying "Put one of these in your back passage every morning and every night and come and see me next week."

The man duly came back the following week.

The doctor asked "So did the treatment cure your problem?"

The man replied "I did what you told me to do - I put one of those things in my back passage every morning and every night, but for what good it did, I might as well have shoved them up my arse!"


DISORDER IN THE COURT

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
A: Take a guess.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the cult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
A: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
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Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
A: Are you shitting me?
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Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
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Q: Did he kill you?
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Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
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Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
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Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: Uh - I was getting laid.
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
A: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Q: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm.
Q: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
A: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


MEN VERSUS WOMEN

NICKNAMES:

If Vicky, Fiona, Clare and Melissa go out for lunch, they will call each other Vicky, Fiona, Clare and Melissa.

If Phil, Brian, Simon and Ivan go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Blackie, Ratso, Digger and Fester.

EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Phil, Brian, Simon and Ivan will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOM:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


IRAQI TV GUIDE

MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions

TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of MisFortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Veilwatch

THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY
8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed's Creek
9:30 No-Witness News


IN A BAR

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African were in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drank his beer threw his glass in the air, pulled out a gun, shot the glass to pieces and said "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap thet we don't need to drink from same one twice".

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this (simple things.......) drank his beer, threw his glass into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the glass to pieces and said "Will mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Australian, cool as a Koala. picked up his beer and drank it, threw his glass into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the South African and the Kiwi and said "In Australia we have so many goddamn South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."


THE ABORIGINE

The American tourist on an Ayers Rock excursion suddenly yelled out, "Stop the bus!"

He had spotted an Aborigine who was lying on the side of the road with his ear to the ground.

"He must be one of those famous blacktrackers," thought the Yank as he ran over to him.

"Can you tell me about the last people to pass this way?" he asked.

"Yeah," answered the Aborigine, pointing to some tyre tracks. "It was a Holden utility."

The Yank was not very impressed. "Anything else?" he asked.

"Yeah, there were ten people in it." replied the Aborigine.

Now the Yank was really impressed. "Anything else?" he asked.

The Aboriginal said, "Yeah, the three in the front were blokes and there were three women, three kids and another bloke in the back."

This really amazed the Yank. He said, " You can tell all this from putting your ear to the ground?"

The Aborigine replied, "No mate, I was the bloke in the back and I just fell off the bloody thing."


THE PIANIST

A man walked into a bar with a large box.

The bartender asked, "What's in the box?"

The man replied, "I'll show you if you give me a beer."

The bartender gave the man a beer. The man drank it and opened the box. Out jumped a 12-inch man dressed in a miniature tuxedo and tails and a little piano.

The little man started playing the little piano. And how he played! From Grieg to Gershwin, from Beethoven to Brubeck, just incredible.

The bartender was truly amazed and asked, "Wow! That's pretty cool. Where did you get that?"

The man said, "I'll tell you if you get me another beer."

So the bartender gave the man another beer, the man drank it and said, "I got it from a genie that came out of a lamp that I found".

The bartender quietly thought for a moment and stated, "If you let me borrow that genie and that lamp for a minute, I'll give you another beer."

The man replied, "Oh okay, I'm done with it anyway."

The bartender gave the man another beer, the man drank it, and gave the bartender the lamp.

The bartender rubbed the lamp and the genie popped out and boomed, "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?"

The bartender made his wish. Instantly there were ducks everywhere, flying around the room, quacking and pooping.

The bartender roared at the man, "What the hell is this? I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks! You didn't tell me the genie was defective!"

The man looked and him and said, "Yep, that's right, it's pretty damn deaf in fact. Did you actually think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"


OXYMORONS

These are phrases where the components have opposite meanings, such as the following:

Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Microsoft Works


DISCRIMINATION

A true story....

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged well-off white South African lady found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said "You've sat me next to a Kaffir (derogatory Afrikaaner name for a black person). I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocked a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the stewardess returned with the good news, which she delivered to the lady, who could not help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."

Before the lady had a chance to answer, the stewardess continued ...

"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."

With which, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady and said:

"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you ..."

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black guy walked up to the first class section at the front of the plane.


REALLY DUMB UTTERANCES

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." - Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey.

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." - Matt Laura on NBC's Today show.

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law," - David Dankness, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC.

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt and Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." - Former French President Charles De Gaulle.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." - A congressional candidate in Texas.

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." - Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." - John Wayne.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle.

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." - Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fund-raising event for the United Negro College Fund (He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste").

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle (Phoenix is in Arizona).


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