Iím sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but Iím sticking to my guns.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
Doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night
Don't take Viagra and iron supplements at the same time.
Every time you get an erection you will spin around and point North.
My wife left me for an Indian guy.
I know that he will treat her well, because I heard that they worship cows.
If you are addicted to masturbation, consult a priest.
He will help you beat it.
What is the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people and and a jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people.
I am hosting an event for men who cannot ejaculate.
Please let me know if you can't come.
I wondered why the truck was getting bigger.
And then it hit me.
What's brown and not very heavy?
Comic Sans walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
The bartender said, "We don't serve your type."
My brother adopted a chimpanzee.
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
What's 300 metres long and has an I!Q of 40?
The queue at Woolworths to buy toilet paper.
Productivity in my company is sky-high.
All of my office staff are quarantined and not allowed to go home.
The real reason that libraries are closing is not to stop the spread of the virus.
Because people short of toilet paper are borrowng books with more than 1000 pages.
Finland has just closed its borders.
Nobody can cross the Finnish line.
WHO AM I?
The following is a recap of my current identity.
I was born white, which makes me a racist.
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.
I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.
I am an Atheist, which makes me an infidel.
I am older than 55, which makes me a useless old man.
I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive Australian culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social.
I and my friends acquired a good education without student loans or debt, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.
I believe in the defence and protection of my nation by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.
Please help me come to terms with this, because I'm not sure who I am anymore!
And with all this gender diversity that is being imposed on me, I don't even know which bathroom to use.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times stated: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
Just one week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck-all. Billi therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
THE WINDOW ISSUE
A man checked into a hotel with his wife. At 11:30pmm he called the reception. He said, "My wife is threatening to jump out of the window on the 25th floor."
The receptionist said, "Sir, this is a personal matter. I cannot intervene in this. In any case, I am the only night staff here, so you need to deal with it yourself. Except for me and one maintenance guy, there is nobody else here."
The man replied, "You idiot! Do you think that I would ask you to come and handle my personal matters? I am talking about a maintenance issue. The damn window is stuck shut!"
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congratulations."
But, none of them comes up to the man- touch his penis and say, "Good Job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
Forgive your enemy - but always remember the arsehole's name.
If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
All Politicians should wear uniforms like racing drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
All Politicians should serve only two terms - one term in office and one term in prison.