THREE SOUTH AFRICANS
Three South Africans, a black and two whites, are in jail, discussing what they're in for.
The first white South African is asked what he's in for, to which he replied "Robbery and I got two years. The judge said it was lucky it wasn't armed robbery, or I'd have got five years."
The second white South African is asked next, to which he replied "Sexual assault and I got 7 years. The judge said it was lucky it wasn't rape, or I'd have got ten years."
The black South African is finally asked, to which he replied "Riding my bike without a light and I got life. The judge said it was lucky it wasn't dark, or I'd be facing a firing squad!"
Apparently apartheid started when the president of South Africa went to put on a load of washing and found a note stuck to the machine saying:
"Make sure you keep the colours separate from the whites".
Two South African policemen were patrolling one afternoon in the days of the strict government regime.
A young black teenager rode past on his bicycle. Seeing him, the first policeman took out his gun and shot the boy in the head.
His partner said, "What the fuck did you do that for?"
"Because there is a strict six o'clock curfew on all blacks!" replied the shooter.
Still surprised, his mate exclaimed, "It's only 4.30!"
"I know," stated the shooter, "but I know where he lives and he'd never get home by six o'clock."
Three black men were in court in South Africa facing charges of murder.
The judge asked the prosecution for the evidence on the first man.
"We found a gun in his pocket, your honour."
"Okay," saided the judge, "it's the death sentence."
The prosecution then said, "On the second man, we also found a gun in his pocket."
The judge said, "He gets the death penalty as well."
The third black man stepped forward.
The prosecution said, "We never found a gun, your honour, all we found was twenty-five pence in his pocket."
The judge said, "It's the death sentence again."
The prosecution said, "Are you sure, your honour?"
The judge replied, "Of course I'm sure; he was saving up for a fucking gun."
Apparently, there's no longer a problem with racism in South Africa.
But there are a lot of problems with some guys called Blicks.
I was explaining the concept of Feng Shui to a South African.
"Do you understand what symmetry is?" I asked.
"Ja", he replied, "It’s where we bury bleck bastards."
VAN DER MERWE
A priest was seated next to Van Der Merwe on a flight. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
Van Der Merwe asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
Van Der Merwe then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
VAN DER MERWE AGAIN
Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.
"It's for my wife," said Van der Merwe.
"But why isn't she here?" said the neighbour.
Van der Merwe replied, "She died."
"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?" asked the neighbour.
Van der Merwe said, "They've all gone to the funeral."
Van der Merwe went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to Boers," the salesman replied.
Van der Merwe hurried home, took a shower, changed his clothes and combed his hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"I told you already that we don't sell to Boers," the salesman replied.
"Bliksem, he recognised me," he thought. So he went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new colour, shaved off the beard, suit and tie, fake glasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
How many times do I have to tell you? We do NOT sell to Boers," the salesman replied.
Frustrated, Van der Merwe exclaimed "Jislaaik, man! How do you know I'm a Boer?"
The salesman replied, "Because that's a microwave oven."
Van der Merwe went to Australia on vacation. One day he was sitting in one of the Outback pubs in the North-West of WA drinking Emu Export. As he finished his third, Crocodile Dundee came and sat next to him at the bar.
Being a sceptical person by nature, Van stared at this guy from head to toe and at the toe his eyes got stuck. He looked up at Dundee and said, "Hey, lekker boots my bra. What kind is these, huh?"
Croc Dundee: "Hey mate, they're croc boots"
Van der Merwe said, "They don't look broken to me man!"
Croc Dundee replied, "They're crocodile boots, drongo!"
Van der Merwe asked, "Oh! Where can I get some?"
Croc Dundee said, "You just go down to the river and get yourself a crocodile, mate and then you got some boots!"
Van der Merwe thought this was a great idea so he finished his beer and strolled down to the river. Without hesitation he walked into the river about waist height and started hitting the water with the flat of his hand. Meanwhile, back at the pub the guys were all standing at the veranda watching this spectacle.
About 5 minutes passed when a crocodile floating nearby responded to Van der Merwe's racket. As he approached, Van der Merwe turned around and leaped at the crocodile, literally attacking him. The others on the porch couldn't believe what they were seeing.
An hour had passed when Van der Merwe finally grabbed the crocodile in a typical "Boere" death grip and dragged him out onto the riverbank. Before letting go, he gave the poor croc another couple of punches on the nose. The croc was out like a candle. Van der Merwe was soaked in blood, more of the croc's than his own, but nonetheless, he was still hurt badly.
Van der Merwe laid the croc down and with an enormous effort he managed to roll the croc over. He stared down at the croc for what seemed to be ages, before finally looking up at the very surprised crowd on the porch and cursed: "Just my luck, a crocodile without boots!"
With age comes skills. It's called multi-tasking. I can laugh, cough, sneeze and pee all at the same time.
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
At this age, being able to remember something is as good as an orgasm.
One of the many pleasures of old age is giving things up.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is to live long enough.
Old age is when it takes you longer to get over a good time than to have it.
By the age of 70, you have learned all of life's secrets and forgotten them completely.
At 70, anything that doesn't hurt doesn't work.
When I was young, I thought that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know that it is.
When I die, I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
Every morning I get up and read the Obituaries page. If my name is not there, I go and shave.
First you forget names, then faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up and the you forget to to pull your zipper down.
I'm so old that when I order a three-minute egg at the restaurant, they demand the money up-front.
I'm so old that when I travel, I only buy one-way tickets.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
I attribute my old age to the fact that I haven't died yet.
You know that you're getting old when you can't get your rocking chair started.
Be kind to your kids. One day they will be choosing your nursing home.
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
THE WIT OF TOMMY COOPER
Two blondes walked into a building - you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message: "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key."
A guy walked into a psychiatrist's wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli - a strong currant pulled him in.
A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I've cut off your hands."
I went to a Seafood Disco last week and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man went to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor said, "I'll give you some cream to put on that."
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
The doctor said, "That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common, doc?"
"Well, it's not unusual."
A man took his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." He picked up the dog and examined his eyes, then he checked his teeth. Finally, he said, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really, really, heavy"
A guy went into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom."
"Oh, now, don't you start."
What do you call fish with no eyes? - fsh.
So I was getting into my car and this bloke said to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one said to the other 'Your round.' The second one replied, 'So are you, you fat idiot!'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
A man walked into the doctor's, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Confucius say, kiss is merely shopping upstairs for merchandise downstairs.
Confucius say, better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Confucius say, man with broken condom often called Daddy.
Confucius say, sex is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out - you lose interest.
Confucius say, viagra just like Disneyland. One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
Confucius say, much better to want the mate you do not have, than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius say, joke is like sex. Neither any good if you don't get it.
Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone
Confucius say, bird in the hand is not better than two in the bush
Confucius say, man who do business in whore house get jerked around
Confucius say, gypsies got no babies because gypsies have crystal balls
Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it
Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left
Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
Confucius say, man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night
Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it
Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants
Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient
Confucius say, passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly
Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long
Confucius say, couple on seven day honeymoon make whole week
Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent
Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts
Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired
Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted
Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist
Confucius say, man who make love on side of hill not on level
Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel
Confucius say, man with tight trousers is pressing his luck
Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot
Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy
Confucius say, man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts
Confucius say, man who sleep in bed of nails is holy
Confucius say, do not drink and park, accidents cause people
Confucius say, man who put pea in soup very unclean
Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Confucius say, boy who go to sleep with sex problem on mind wake up with solution in hand
Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab
Confucius say, to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better
Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts
Confucius say, butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders
Confucius say, electrician get much angry when find shorts in wife's bedroom.
Confucius say, man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face
Confucius say, man with big mouth beware of foot
Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew
Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up
Confucius say, man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion
Confucius say, man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic
Confucius say, house without bathroom is uncanny
Confucius say, foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Confucius say, man who sits on stool smells like shit
Confucius say, man who throws dirt is losing ground
Confucius say, woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit
Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth
Confucius say, man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag
Confucius say, man who kisses girl's behind, get crack in face
Confucius say, girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town
Confucius say, man with penis in peanut butter jar, fucking nuts
Confucius say, man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy
Confucius say, man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam
Confucius say, learn to masturbate - come in handy
Confucius say, girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip
Confucius say, girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge
Confucius say, waitress who sit on leper's lap, keep tip
Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose
Confucius say, cow with no legs, ground beef
Confucius say, two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn
Confucius say, baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard
Confucius say, finding old man in dark, not hard
Confucius say, man who smoke pot, choke on handle
Confucius say, OK for shit to happen - will decompose
Confucius say, man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache
Confucius say, man who sneeze without tissue take matter into own hands
Confucius say, secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk
Confucius say, man who drive like hell, bound to get there
Confucius say, man who sit on tack, get point
Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker
Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring
Confucius say, sex on beach like American beer - fucking near water
Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself
Confucius say, woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom
Confucius say, support bacteria - is only culture some people have
Confucius say, man with athletic finger, make broad jump
Confucius say, man who sit on upturned tack, rise above all
Confucius say, wash face in morning, neck at night
Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke
Confucius say, man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet
Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back
Confucius say, man who eat pussy, do lip service
Confucius say, girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick
Confucius say, men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more
Confucius say, woman wearing G-string, high on crack
Confucius say, virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick
Confucius say, man who pull woman's bra strap, may get bust in face
Confucius say, woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock
Confucius say, man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self
Confucius say, man who jump through screen door, strain self
Confucius say, man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor
Confucius say, man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose
Confucius say, woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink
Confucius say, man who put cock on stove, have hot rod
Confucius say, man who fuck in cemetery may end up fucking dead
Confucius say, man who jizz in cash register come into money
Confucius say, man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time
Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money
Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed
Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers
DEALING WITH A SCAMMER
NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”
Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”
Me: “I think it's already on.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realise it had a name.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”
Me: “Ummm - I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an Off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disk inside the door?”
Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”