LAWYER VERSUS SCOTTISH COP
A London lawyer ran a stop sign and got pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thought that he was smarter than the cop because he was a lawyer from London and was certain that he had a better education then any Jock cop. He decided to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense.
The Glasgow cop said, " Licence and registration, please."
The lawyer said, "What for?"
The Glasgow cop said, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
The lawyer said, "I slowed down and no one was coming."
The Glasgow cop said, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop."
The lawyer said, "What's the difference?"
The Glasgow cop said, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law"
The lawyer said, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
The Glasgow cop said, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The lawyer exited his vehicle. The Glasgow cop took out his baton and started beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and said, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
TELLING THE TRUTH
Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary had not seen each other since leaving school. They rediscovered each other via Facebook and arranged to meet for lunch. Jan arrived first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She ordered a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrived shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joined Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walked in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shared the wine.
Jan explained that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a huge apartment on the North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali.
Sue related that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explained that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurted out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explained that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray River.
Mary admitted that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
The Pope was dying. His doctor said, “Your Holiness, you are going to die because you have never had sex and your body is shutting down. If you wish to stay alive, you have to make love to a woman.”
The Pope protested, “But if I do this, I will be breaking my pledge to God.”
The doctor replied, “Nevertheless, if you do not have sex, surely you will die within the week.”
The Pope said, “Very well then, but I will do this on three conditions. Firstly, she must be a virgin. Secondly, she must be blind, so that she cannot recognise me. And thirdly, she must have really big tits.”
THE TAX AUDIT
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the tax agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question” noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
“Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his arrogant and obnoxious way. "What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?“
"Ah, yes”, replied the CFO, realising that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”
“I see”, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year, they send us a complete prick."
It's hard to believe that I once had a telephone attached to a wall. When it rang, I'd pick it up without knowing who was calling. It's amazing that I am still alive.
Remember when you used to be able to call a person 57 times and hang up and they never knew that it was you? They were good times.
Who remembers waiting until after 7:00pm to call long distance because it was cheaper?
I still have a landline - or as I like to call it, a cellphone finder.
When young people tell me about their problems, I like to tell them about the time that I survived without my cellphone or the Internet for 40 years.
People are excited about the new iPhone, but nobody has caught up with the awesome technology of using the turn indicator when driving.
How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.
I was very busy today. I was only able to check my smartphone 1400 times.
Does anybody have plans to go somewhere and stare at their smartphone this weekend?
Modern restaurant waiter: "Is everything all right, sir? You have not photographed your food yet."
A hijab is not an Islamic religious garment. It is a diaper for people with shit for brains!
What’s the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife? The answer – A man buying a lottery ticket has a slight chance of winning.
Will glass coffins become popular? Remains to be seen.
I remember the good old days when Snap, Crackle and Pop were sounds that I heard from my cereal, not my body.
Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password. It's not stroganoff.
INTERVIEWER: Do you know the difference between Sunni and Shia?
POLITICIAN: Didn't they sing "I've Got You Babe"?
PATIENT: Doctor, I keep hearing strange voices from my underpants.
DOCTOR: Ignore them. They are talking bollocks!
RESTAURANT MENU ON ST VALENTINE'S DAY- Bring ur GF, 20% off. Brfing ur wife, 40% off, bring both, FREE (trip to hospital).
Two ladies riding bikes. One said, "I've never come this way before." Her friend replied, "Me neither - must be the cobblestones."
HELPLINE: G'day - Aussie Helpline here. What's the problem, mate?
CALLER: I'm in the Outback with my girlfriend and she's been stung on her girly bits by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up.
HELPLINE: Bummer, mate. CALLER: Crikey! That's good advice - I'll do that. Thanks, mate.
A couple driving home run over a badger and find that it's still alive and breathing, but freezing cold.
The husband said, "Put it between your legs to warm it up."
The wife replied, "But it's all wet and it stinks.
The husband retorted, "Well hold the badger's fucking nose them."
LUIGI'S NEW SHOES
On his way to and from work, Luigi would stop and stare in the window of a shoe store and marvel at the sight of a pair of shiny patent leather Armani shoes. He wanted those shoes more than anything else in his life, but the $500 price was beyond him. But Luigi was obsessed, so after two months, he had saved enough money and he bought those fabulous shoes.
Every Friday night the Italian community held a dance in the church hall. Luigi seized this opportunity to wear his shiny new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asked Sophia to dance and as they danced he asked her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Startled, Sophia replied, "Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight. But how do you know?"
Luigi answered, "I see the reflection in my new $500 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asked Rosa to dance and after a few minutes, he asked, "Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answered, "Yes, Luigi, I do. But how do you know that?"
Luigi answered, "I see the reflection in my new $500 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"
As the evening was almost over and the last song was being played, Luigi asked Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance, his face turned red. He asked, "Carmela, be still-a my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmela smiled coyly and answered, "Yes Luigi, I wear no panties tonight."
Luigi gasped, "Mamma Mia! Thanks-a God! I thought I had a CRACK in my $500 Armani leather shoes!"
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
SEEN ON SIGNS
No Senior Citizens Discounts - You have had twice as long to get the money.
NO, we do not have WiFi - talk to each other.
PUSH. If that doesn't work, PULL. If that doesn't work, we must be closed.
Teach your kids about taxes. Eat 30% of their ice-cream.
TODAY'S OFFERS - Buy two drinks and pay for both of them.
Alcohol may not solve your problems, but neither will water or milk.
Respect your parents - they passed school without Google.
SHERLOCK HOLMES AND WATSON GO CAMPING
Sherlock Holmes and his faithful assistant Watson went camping. On the first night after they had gone to sleep, Holmes nudged Watson awake.
Holmes: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson: "Holmes, I see the moon and the stars. I marvel at the beauty of the universe."
Holmes: "What else do you observe?"
Watson: "I observe the wonderment of our existence and am grateful for the way that our lives have evolved."
Holmes: "Is there anything obvious that you have observed?"
Watson: "Holmes, what are you getting at?"
Holmes: Watson you moron - somebody has stolen our tent."
WHO'S THE BOSS?
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE". He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law."
He continued, "You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. And afterwards, you are going to run me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."
Two Greens voters were filling up at a petrol station and the first Greenie saidd to the second, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher."
The second Greenie replied, “Won’t affect me, I always put in just $10.00 worth.”
One day, a Greenie’s husband came home from the office and found his wife sobbing convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember - I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky for you you did," his wife said, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
Two Greenies were walking down the road and the first one said to the other Greenie, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other Greenie covered one of his eyes and said, "Where?"
A Greenie decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew her Greenie friend from next door, had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Sarah," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Sarah.
So the Greenie bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had two rolls left over.
"Sarah," she said, "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got two left over!"
"Yes," said Sarah. "So did I."
A Greenie bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested he cut off the tail of one horse and this worked great until the other horse’s tail was caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. The Greenie was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested he notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, the Greenie couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested he measure the horses for height. When he checked, the Greenie was pleased to find that the white horse was 50 millimetres taller than the black one.
An executive was interviewing a Greenie for a position with his company. He wanted to find out something about the Greenie's personality, so he asked him, “If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?”
The Greenie replied, "The living one."