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HUMOUR 19

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LAWYER VERSUS SCOTTISH COP

A London lawyer ran a stop sign and got pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thought that he was smarter than the cop because he was a lawyer from London and was certain that he had a better education then any Jock cop. He decided to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense.

The Glasgow cop said, " Licence and registration, please."

The lawyer said, "What for?"

The Glasgow cop said, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

The lawyer said, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

The Glasgow cop said, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop."

The lawyer said, "What's the difference?"

The Glasgow cop said, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law"

The lawyer said, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The Glasgow cop said, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The lawyer exited his vehicle. The Glasgow cop took out his baton and started beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and said, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"


TELLING THE TRUTH

Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary had not seen each other since leaving school. They rediscovered each other via Facebook and arranged to meet for lunch. Jan arrived first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She ordered a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrived shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joined Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walked in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shared the wine.

Jan explained that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a huge apartment on the North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali.

Sue related that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy.

Mary explained that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurted out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explained that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray River.

Mary admitted that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.


PAPAL CONDITIONS

The Pope was dying. His doctor said, “Your Holiness, you are going to die because you have never had sex and your body is shutting down. If you wish to stay alive, you have to make love to a woman.”

The Pope protested, “But if I do this, I will be breaking my pledge to God.”

The doctor replied, “Nevertheless, if you do not have sex, surely you will die within the week.”

The Pope said, “Very well then, but I will do this on three conditions. Firstly, she must be a virgin. Secondly, she must be blind, so that she cannot recognise me. And thirdly, she must have really big tits.”


THE TAX AUDIT

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the tax agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question” noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

“Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his arrogant and obnoxious way. "What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?“

"Ah, yes”, replied the CFO, realising that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”

“I see”, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year, they send us a complete prick."


TELEPHONE OBSERVATIONS

It's hard to believe that I once had a telephone attached to a wall. When it rang, I'd pick it up without knowing who was calling. It's amazing that I am still alive.

Remember when you used to be able to call a person 57 times and hang up and they never knew that it was you? They were good times.

Who remembers waiting until after 7:00pm to call long distance because it was cheaper?

I still have a landline - or as I like to call it, a cellphone finder.

When young people tell me about their problems, I like to tell them about the time that I survived without my cellphone or the Internet for 40 years.

People are excited about the new iPhone, but nobody has caught up with the awesome technology of using the turn indicator when driving.

How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.

I was very busy today. I was only able to check my smartphone 1400 times.

Does anybody have plans to go somewhere and stare at their smartphone this weekend?

Modern restaurant waiter: "Is everything all right, sir? You have not photographed your food yet."


QUICK QUIPS

A hijab is not an Islamic religious garment. It is a diaper for people with shit for brains!

What’s the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife? The answer – A man buying a lottery ticket has a slight chance of winning.

Will glass coffins become popular? Remains to be seen.

I remember the good old days when Snap, Crackle and Pop were sounds that I heard from my cereal, not my body.

Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password. It's not stroganoff.

INTERVIEWER: Do you know the difference between Sunni and Shia?
POLITICIAN: Didn't they sing "I've Got You Babe"?

PATIENT: Doctor, I keep hearing strange voices from my underpants.
DOCTOR: Ignore them. They are talking bollocks!

RESTAURANT MENU ON ST VALENTINE'S DAY- Bring ur GF, 20% off. Brfing ur wife, 40% off, bring both, FREE (trip to hospital).

Two ladies riding bikes. One said, "I've never come this way before." Her friend replied, "Me neither - must be the cobblestones."


AUSSIE ADVICE

HELPLINE: G'day - Aussie Helpline here. What's the problem, mate?

CALLER: I'm in the Outback with my girlfriend and she's been stung on her girly bits by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up.

HELPLINE: Bummer, mate. CALLER: Crikey! That's good advice - I'll do that. Thanks, mate.


THE BADGER

A couple driving home run over a badger and find that it's still alive and breathing, but freezing cold.

The husband said, "Put it between your legs to warm it up."

The wife replied, "But it's all wet and it stinks.

The husband retorted, "Well hold the badger's fucking nose them."


LUIGI'S NEW SHOES

On his way to and from work, Luigi would stop and stare in the window of a shoe store and marvel at the sight of a pair of shiny patent leather Armani shoes. He wanted those shoes more than anything else in his life, but the $500 price was beyond him. But Luigi was obsessed, so after two months, he had saved enough money and he bought those fabulous shoes.

Every Friday night the Italian community held a dance in the church hall. Luigi seized this opportunity to wear his shiny new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asked Sophia to dance and as they danced he asked her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replied, "Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight. But how do you know?"

Luigi answered, "I see the reflection in my new $500 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asked Rosa to dance and after a few minutes, he asked, "Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answered, "Yes, Luigi, I do. But how do you know that?"

Luigi answered, "I see the reflection in my new $500 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"

As the evening was almost over and the last song was being played, Luigi asked Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance, his face turned red. He asked, "Carmela, be still-a my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiled coyly and answered, "Yes Luigi, I wear no panties tonight."

Luigi gasped, "Mamma Mia! Thanks-a God! I thought I had a CRACK in my $500 Armani leather shoes!"


HOW TRUE

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Frank Sinatra

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Bob Hope

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde


SEEN ON SIGNS

No Senior Citizens Discounts - You have had twice as long to get the money.

NO, we do not have WiFi - talk to each other.

PUSH. If that doesn't work, PULL. If that doesn't work, we must be closed.

Teach your kids about taxes. Eat 30% of their ice-cream.

TODAY'S OFFERS - Buy two drinks and pay for both of them.

Alcohol may not solve your problems, but neither will water or milk.

Respect your parents - they passed school without Google.


SHERLOCK HOLMES AND WATSON GO CAMPING

Sherlock Holmes and his faithful assistant Watson went camping. On the first night after they had gone to sleep, Holmes nudged Watson awake.

Holmes: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson: "Holmes, I see the moon and the stars. I marvel at the beauty of the universe."

Holmes: "What else do you observe?"

Watson: "I observe the wonderment of our existence and am grateful for the way that our lives have evolved."

Holmes: "Is there anything obvious that you have observed?"

Watson: "Holmes, what are you getting at?"

Holmes: Watson you moron - somebody has stolen our tent."


WHO'S THE BOSS?

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE". He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law."

He continued, "You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. And afterwards, you are going to run me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."


GREENIES

Two Greens voters were filling up at a petrol station and the first Greenie said to the second, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher."

The second Greenie replied, “Won’t affect me, I always put in just $10.00 worth.”

-----------------------------------

One day, a Greenie’s husband came home from the office and found his wife sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember - I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit."

"Yes and it's lucky for you you did," his wife said, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

-----------------------------------

Two Greenies were walking down the road and the first one said to the other Greenie, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other Greenie covered one of his eyes and said, "Where?"

-----------------------------------

A Greenie decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew her Greenie friend from next door, had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Sarah," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Sarah.

So the Greenie bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had two rolls left over.

"Sarah," she said, "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got two left over!"

"Yes," said Sarah. "So did I."

-----------------------------------

A Greenie bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested he cut off the tail of one horse and this worked great until the other horse’s tail was caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. The Greenie was stuck again.

The neighbour then suggested he notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, the Greenie couldn't tell the two horses apart.

The neighbour then suggested he measure the horses for height. When he checked, the Greenie was pleased to find that the white horse was 50 millimetres taller than the black one.

-----------------------------------

An executive was interviewing a Greenie for a position with his company. He wanted to find out something about the Greenie's personality, so he asked him, “If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?”

The Greenie replied, "The living one."


WELL HUNG

His daughter asked, "Daddy, why do people hang horses?"

Father replied, "Darling, nobody hangs horses. Who told you that people hang horses?"

His daughter said, "I just heard Mummy on the phone say saying that her new boss is hung like a horse."


GAY COWBOY LINES

I'm gonna pump you full of lead.

Barkeep, give me a stiff one.

Don't fret - I've been in tight spots before.

You stay here while I sneak around from behind.

Hold it right there - and move your hand real slow.

Let's mount up.

Nice spread you got here.

Ride 'em, cowboy.


STUPID AMERICAN ROAD RULES

Alabama - You cannot drive around impersonating a clergy member. (Who would want to impersonate a paedophile anyway?)

Alaska - You cannot tie your pet dog to the roof of your car. (Hell, I always wanted to do this... LOL)

Arizona - Pedestrians are banned from pressing crosswalk buttons just to stop traffic. (Those buttons don't work anyway)

Arkansas - You cannot start and stop your car loudly in a drive-in restaurant. (How do you stop a car loudly?)

California - You can get a ticket for driving too slowly. (Break the limit and you get booked. Don't break the limit and get booked)

Colorado - It is illegal to throw missiles at cars. (Actually that's quite reasonable unless it's a Hellfire)

Connecticut - You cannot hunt from the highway. (Unless a moose is blocking your path)

Delaware - You cannot change clothes inside your vehicle. (Why not? I do it all the time)

Florida - You cannot park in the middle of an intersection. (Cops do this often - book 'em, Danno)

Georgia - You cannot honk at a fair. (Depends what you are honking. LOL)

Hawaii - All passengers must wear a seat belt, but riding in the back of a pickup truck untethered is legal. (Destined for death)

Idaho - You can't ride a bike onto a tennis court. (Some imbecile with nothing better to do thought this one up)

Illinois - You cannot drive with hanging dice or air fresheners. (Ah, those stinky Illinoisians)

Indiana - You may not enter or exit a car in motion. (What if the car is just rocking up and down?)

Iowa - You cannot use a deceased person's handicap sign. (Unless the deceased person is in the car)

Kansas - You cannot screech your tyres while driving. (Those folk from Kansas must be a wild bunch)

Kentucky - Dogs are prohibited from molesting cars. (Tell that to a dog while he's pissing on your wheel)

Louisiana - Taxi drivers are not permitted to make love in the front seat during a shift. (Masturbation is OK though)

Maine - It is illegal to park in front of Dunkin' Donuts. (Those spots are reserved for cops getting donuts for free)

Maryland - It is illegal to swear on the highway. (Fucking hell, I would never have thought)

Massachusetts - It is illegal to drive with a gorilla. (I'll make sure I never get into a car driven by a gorilla)

Michigan - No cars can be sold on a Sunday. (Why not? Will some Skyspook strike them down?)

Minnesota - Driving a truck with dirty tyres is a public nuisance. (Tyres get dirty the second that the truck drives on them)

Mississippi - It is illegal to have a flamethrower attached to your car. (Yeah, I always wanted to do this)

New Jersey - You must honk before passing a skateboarder. (What's wrong with just running skateboarders down?)

New Mexico - It is illegal for women to pump their own gasoline. (The suffragettes didn't get to that state yet)

New York - It is illegal to disrobe in a car. (What a problem - so many naked drivers and passengers)

North Carolina - It is illegal to drive through cemeteries just for fun. (So are the dead going to object?)

North Dakota - If your car is in a parade, you are not allowed to throw candy from it. (Somebody really worked hard on this law)

Ohio - You cannot drive Powerwheels on the road. (What the hell is a Powerwheel anyway?)

Oklahoma - No reading comic books while driving. (But you can read War and Peace while driving)

Oregon - You cannot footrace a car. (Unless it's a Lightburn Zeta, then you'd win)

Pennsylvania - You have to dismantle your car and hide it from horses if they appear scared of it. (I always carry spanners for this)

Rhode Island - You cannot ride with an unopened beer. (So open the beer and take a few slugs from the bottle)

South Carolina - It is illegal to store trash in your vehicle. (What about white trash, like a slut from the projects?)

South Dakota - There is no minimum age for driving a motorcycle off-road. (That's sensible - it's nobody's business)

Tennessee - It is illegal to place tacks on the highway. (What about whopping great road spikes to disable cop cars?)

Texas - No windshield required for inspection, just wipers. (Ah yes those clever Texans don't need windscreens anyway)

Utah - Birds have the right of way on the highway. (Shit! all that roadkill should have been allowed to cross the road)

Vermont - Billboards are illegal. (I like this idea. I get distracted by billboards featuring huge tits on nice chicks)

Virginia - You cannot allow anyone to have sex in your car. (There goes the end of teenage romance)

Washington State - Legislators can't get speeding tickets during legislation sessions. (Typical weaselling politicians)

West Virginia - If you drive by roadkill, you can take it home for supper. (I always love to cook up squashed racoon for dinner)

Wisconsin - You cannot sit in another person's car without their permission. (But you can give them a blowjob through the window)


GREAT PUT-DOWNS

“She ran the whole gamut of the emotions, from A to B.”
Author Dorothy Parker on Katharine Hepburn’s acting.

“All morons hate it when you call them a moron.”
Author J.D. Salinger, from his novel Catcher in the Rye.

“My dear, you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.”
British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, to Lady Astor, the first female Member of Parliament, when she called him “disgustingly drunk.”

“Bill Clinton is a man who thinks international affairs means dating a girl from out of town.”
Author Tom Clancy on the 42nd President of the United States.

“There’s one area where Donald’s experience could be invaluable and that’s closing Guantánamo. Because Trump knows a thing or two about running waterfront properties into the ground.”
President Barack Obama, on our current president.

“I like your opera. I think I will set it to music.”
Composer Ludwig van Beethoven, slapping another composer to the curb.

“How could they tell?”
Dorothy Parker, on the death of President Calvin Coolidge.

“I don’t approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.”
Comedian Jon Stewart on the tools of his trade.

“What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.”
Adam Sandler getting reprimanded by the school principal in Billy Madison.

“If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.”
Author Kurt Vonnegut Jr, from his novel Timequake.

“She speaks five languages and can’t act in any of them.”
Sir John Gielgud on Casablanca star Ingrid Bergman.

“One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity there ain’t nothing can beat teamwork.”
Author Mark Twain, in one of his most famous mass burns.

“What problems do you have, apart from being blind, unemployed and a moron?”
Tennis star John McEnroe, to a Wimbledon spectator.

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Actress Mae West on a man she didn’t like in Belle of the Nineties (1934).

“Gerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.”
President Lyndon B Johnson on President Gerald Ford.

“Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.”
Actress Elizabeth Taylor on her storied acting career.

“Gentleman, Chicolini here may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”
Comedian Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (1933).

“He is simply a hole in the air.”
Author George Orwell, in his novel The Lion and the Unicorn.

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I ever met.”
President Abraham Lincoln, on one of his political opponents.

“We were trying to get pregnant, but I forgot one of us had to have a penis.”
Comedienne and television producer Roseanne Barr, on her ex-husband Tom Arnold.

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
Writer and filmmaker Billy Wilder, while listening to an actor sing in the movie Kiss Me, Stupid.

“Lie down so I can recognise you.”
Boxer Willie Pep, greeting a former opponent.

“It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.”
Dolly Parton, referring to herself.

“He was so tight-fisted, it hurt him to go to the bathroom.”
Actress and singer Britt Ekland on former partner Rod Stewart.

“James Franco: acting, teaching, directing, writing, producing, photography, soundtracks, editing; is there anything you can do?”
Actress and comedian Natasha Leggero on The Disaster Artist star.

“Nancy, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
Winston Churchill, after being informed by Lady Astor that if she was married to him, she would have poisoned his coffee.

“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”
Mark Twain on the members of Capitol Hill.


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