THE MODERN BRITISH ROYAL NAVY
The British Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumcise, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health and safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour. The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paint balls to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 36 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis and cocaine will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so the rum ration has gone, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
The Ministry of Defence is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities throughout the UK. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Mustafa Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy". Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels". His final words were in the form of a rousing chorus from the famous anthem, "Britannia Waives The Rules."
I was standing in the club one night minding my own business.
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
I went to the drug store and told the clerk, "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
The lady clerk asked, "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said, "Nah, she's pretty good looking."
I was talking to a young woman in the club last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
I was telling a woman in the club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really?" she said, "Go on then - try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
It cost me a kick in the nuts, but it was worth it.
I went to the club last night and saw a big woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
SHORT AND SWEET
My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
I thought that I was God and she didn't.
Marriage is a three ring circus.
Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
Wedding Dress, Size 8
Worn once by mistake.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman.
Before marriage and after marriage.
Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because when they arrive, they are wet and wild.
When they go, they take your house and car.
A woman applied for a job picking lemons.
The employer asked her if she had any actual experience.
She said "Yes, I've been married and divorced three times."
A man went to the Wizard to get a curse removed from him.
The Wizard asked for the exact words of the curse.
The man replied, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
QUESTIONS ABOUT FUNERALS
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, Look, he's moving!"
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
The famous international firefighter from Texas, Paul "Red" Adair, was standing at the bar having a quiet drink in Dublin. An old man came to the bar and stood next to him.
He turned to Red and said, "Hello, I'm a local but I've I am sure that I have seen you on TV. My name is Stan. How do you do."
Red Adair replied, "Well it's nice to meet you too. My name is Red Adair and yes, I have been seen on TV many times."
Stan exclaimed, "Wow, I never ever thought that I would get to see you, let alone stand next to you and share a beer with you, but I have just one question."
Red Adair said, "Ask away."
Stan looked at him and said, "Red Adair, what was it like to dance with Ginger Rogers?"
There was a power failure in a big Dublin store last week.
Three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more than two hours.
"O'Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?"
"And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?" O'Leary replied.
Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news.
"I'm pregnant." she cried.
"And how do you know it's yours?" shouted her father.
Paddy: "If you can guess how many pheasants I've got in me bag you can have both of them."
Mrs Murphy said: "I don't tink me 'usband has been faithful to me."
"Why's that?" said Mrs O'Toole.
"Me last child don't look anythin' like him."
Mrs O'Toole said: "I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because I promised Mrs O'Leary I would never repeat it."
Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him what it was for.
"It's me weather guide," said Murphy. "If it's swinging back and forth, it's windy and if it's wet, it's been raining."
Murphy was told by the doctor he had two weeks to live, so he chose the last week in July and the first week in August.
Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man's hat on the pavement, but it missed.
Quick as a flash he scooped it up and put it in the hat.
"You're not blind." she said.
"No I'm not," said Paddy. "Its Murphy who's blind. I'm just filling in for him while he's gone to the pictures."
"We're looking for a Treasurer for the Christmas fund," said Paddy.
"Didn't you take on a new one last month?" said Murphy.
"That's the one we're looking for." Paddy replied.
Father O'Flaherty asked Mrs O'Reilly how many children she had. Four was the reply.
"That's a good Catholic woman you are and when will you be having the next?" he asked.
"I'm not, Father," she replied. "I read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese."
The Dublin Pensioners Club go on a mystery tour every Wednesday and to make it interesting, they have a sweep to guess where they are going.
Shamus the coach driver has won five weeks on the trot.
What did our parents do when they were bored and with no Internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
An Irishman bought a sports car to and drove it at 160kph. Then he spotted a police car behind him with blue and red lights flashing, so he pulled over.
The cop walked over to him and said, "My shift ends in 5 minutes. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding, I'll let you off."
The Irishman said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought that you were bringing her back."
The cop said, "That'll do."