THE MODERN BRITISH ROYAL NAVY
The British Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumcise, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health and safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour. The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paint balls to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 36 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis and cocaine will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so the rum ration has gone, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
The Ministry of Defence is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities throughout the UK. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Mustafa Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy". Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels". His final words were in the form of a rousing chorus from the famous anthem, "Britannia Waives The Rules."
I was standing in the club one night minding my own business.
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
I went to the drug store and told the clerk, "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
The lady clerk asked, "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said, "Nah, she's pretty good looking."
I was talking to a young woman in the club last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
I was telling a woman in the club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really?" she said, "Go on then - try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
It cost me a kick in the nuts, but it was worth it.
I went to the club last night and saw a big woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
SHORT AND SWEET
My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
I thought that I was God and she didn't.
Marriage is a three ring circus.
Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
Wedding Dress, Size 8
Worn once by mistake.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman.
Before marriage and after marriage.
Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because when they arrive, they are wet and wild.
When they go, they take your house and car.
A woman applied for a job picking lemons.
The employer asked her if she had any actual experience.
She said "Yes, I've been married and divorced three times."
A man went to the Wizard to get a curse removed from him.
The Wizard asked for the exact words of the curse.
The man replied, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
QUESTIONS ABOUT FUNERALS
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, Look, he's moving!"
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
The famous international firefighter from Texas, Paul "Red" Adair, was standing at the bar having a quiet drink in Dublin. An old man came to the bar and stood next to him.
He turned to Red and said, "Hello, I'm a local but I've I am sure that I have seen you on TV. My name is Stan. How do you do."
Red Adair replied, "Well it's nice to meet you too. My name is Red Adair and yes, I have been seen on TV many times."
Stan exclaimed, "Wow, I never ever thought that I would get to see you, let alone stand next to you and share a beer with you, but I have just one question."
Red Adair said, "Ask away."
Stan looked at him and said, "Red Adair, what was it like to dance with Ginger Rogers?"
There was a power failure in a big Dublin store last week.
Three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more than two hours.
"O'Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?"
"And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?" O'Leary replied.
Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news.
"I'm pregnant." she cried.
"And how do you know it's yours?" shouted her father.
Paddy: "If you can guess how many pheasants I've got in me bag you can have both of them."
Mrs Murphy said: "I don't tink me 'usband has been faithful to me."
"Why's that?" said Mrs O'Toole.
"Me last child don't look anythin' like him."
Mrs O'Toole said: "I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because I promised Mrs O'Leary I would never repeat it."
Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him what it was for.
"It's me weather guide," said Murphy. "If it's swinging back and forth, it's windy and if it's wet, it's been raining."
Murphy was told by the doctor he had two weeks to live, so he chose the last week in July and the first week in August.
Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man's hat on the pavement, but it missed.
Quick as a flash he scooped it up and put it in the hat.
"You're not blind." she said.
"No I'm not," said Paddy. "Its Murphy who's blind. I'm just filling in for him while he's gone to the pictures."
"We're looking for a Treasurer for the Christmas fund," said Paddy.
"Didn't you take on a new one last month?" said Murphy.
"That's the one we're looking for." Paddy replied.
Father O'Flaherty asked Mrs O'Reilly how many children she had. Four was the reply.
"That's a good Catholic woman you are and when will you be having the next?" he asked.
"I'm not, Father," she replied. "I read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese."
The Dublin Pensioners Club go on a mystery tour every Wednesday and to make it interesting, they have a sweep to guess where they are going.
Shamus the coach driver has won five weeks on the trot.
What did our parents do when they were bored and with no Internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team.
Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
An Irishman bought a sports car to and drove it at 160kph. Then he spotted a police car behind him with blue and red lights flashing, so he pulled over.
The cop walked over to him and said, "My shift ends in 5 minutes. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding, I'll let you off."
The Irishman said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought that you were bringing her back."
The cop said, "That'll do."
MORE POLITICALLY INCORRECT
The human body has 7 trillion nerves.
My wife manages to get on every fucking one of them!
My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb.
So I drew a dick on it.
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant.
It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex.
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked that I almost tripped over my dick.
I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch - it turns out that she loves my best mate Alan.
An Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend said, "How dare you call me a slapper?"
"Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"
Life is like a penis.
Soft and hanging freely.
It's women that make it hard.
I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.
She said, "Have you got a nickname?"
"Yes," I said, "They call me Sledge"
"Oh, is that because you are sleek and fast?" she giggled.
"No, it's because I get pulled by dogs!"
I just saw a Dyslexic Yorkshire man wearing a cat flap!
The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder.
They have all been deported back to England.
A woman went to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The doctor asked what was the problem.
She said, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day, my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The doctor replied, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing the water around in your mouth, but don't swallow it. Keep doing that until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later, the woman returned to the doctor and said, "That was a brilliant solution. I did what you told me and my husband calmed right down. How the heck did that glass of water manage to do this?"
The doctor replied, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
LOSING A FRIEND
I lost a good friend and drinking buddy this past weekend in a tragic accident.
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
Wife: "My gynaecologist told me that I could not have sex for three weeks."
Husband: "What did your dentist say?"
Blonde: "My my you sure smell great. What do you have on?"
Man: "I have a hard-on, but I didn't know that you could smell it."
Son: "Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"
Father: Your mother chose the names of our children. She loves anagrams and she loves Easter, so Teresa is an anagram of Easter."
Son: "Gee, that's interesting. Thanks, Dad."
Father: "No problems, Alan."
THE BUNNINGS GREETER
After landing my new job as a Bunnings "Greeter" - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud and unattractive, mean-acting bogan slut walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Bunnings." Then I said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The bogan woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't fucking twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just fucking stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe that someone fucked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.
My supervisor said that I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
TERRORISTS AT PARLIAMENT
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Canberra ACT. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocked on the window. The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?"
The man replied, "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire Parliament and Senate and they're asking for a huge ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car and collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving on an average?" the driver asked.
The man replied, "Roughly about four litres each".
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
I like long walks, Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks. I haven't lost a kilo. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, he looks good doesn't he."
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
CHINESE SICK LEAVE
Chinese labourer Wun Hung Low called his boss and said, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work."
The boss said, "You know something, Wun Hung Low? I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You go and try that."
Two hours later, Wun Hung Low called his boss again and said, "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. Also, you got real sexy wife and nice house."
THE DEAD PARROT
At dawn the telephone rang. "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE.......... LONG SILENCE........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 15 million illegal aliens wandering around the USA. Maybe the US government should give each of them a cow.
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. But why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 100 years and we're not using it anymore.
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians because it creates a hostile work environment.
WHAT "SERVICE" REALLY MEANS
I became confused when I heard the word 'Service' used with these agencies: Banking Service, Postal Service, Telephone Service, TV Service, State and Public Service, Customer Service, Bureaucratic Service.
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant. Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer and he hired a bull to "Service" his cows. Suddenly it all became clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
Dad, why is my sister called Paris?
Son, that’s where she was conceived.
That’s OK, Airliner Toilet.
So many pigs seem to die while eating an apple.
Take Viagra for sunburn. It won’t fix the sunburn but it will keep the sheets off your legs.
Spiderman is a hero because no-one else can shoot a sticky white substance out of their body in public without everybody freaking out.
My pet mouse Elvis died today. He was caught in a trap.
Dear Clive Palmer. Thanks for auditioning for our new quiz show, but you probably misheard the title. The show is actually called “Fact Hunt”.
A study has found that fat women live substantially longer than men who mention it.
I once dated a dyslexic girl. She took me to her place and cucked my sock.
The blonde rang me and said, “Come to my place at lunchtime for a quickie.” I said, “It’s pronounced Quiche”.
A survey found that the smartphone is now the number one hand-held object, pushing the penis to number two.