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HUMOUR 17

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DEJA WHAT?

Deja boo - Just after you think that you saw a ghost, another one appears.
Deja coo - Just after you've wiped pigeon shit from your shirt, another pigeon flies by and shits on you.
Deja doo - Just after you've wiped dog shit from your shoe, you step onto another turd.
Deja foo - You eat a mouthful of something really crappy, then you pick up the fork absent-mindedly and eat another mouthful.
Deja goo - You stick your hand into a bucket of slime, then you do it again with your other hand.
Deja loo - You think that you have been to this toilet before.
Deja moo - You married a stupid cow, divorced her, then married another one.
Deja poo - Just after you think you got over a bout of bad diarrhoea, you shit your pants again.
Deja roo - You hit a kangaroo on the road, drive on and hit another one.
Deja woo - You date a real dog, give her the flick and then in desperation, you date her again.
Deja zoo - You leave your family because they are a bunch of animals and you move in with another family who are the same.


PUTIN

Wanting to get on the good side of voters, Vladimir Putin went to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talked to them about how Russia was a powerful nation and how he wanted the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there was a section for questions, Little Sasha put her hand up and said, "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"

Putin said "Good questions." But just as he was about to answer, the bell rang and the kids went to lunch.

When they came back, they sat back down and there was time for some more questions.

Another girl, Svetlana, put her hand up and said, "I have four questions. Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell ring 20 minutes early? And where is Sasha?"


ONLY IN AMERICA

WHO'S THE MORON?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.

He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not John Walter who's lacking intelligence.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM FRIENDS

Police in Oakland California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.

After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

WHAT WAS PLAN B?

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

THE GETAWAY

A man walked into a Topeka Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.

Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DID I SAY THAT?

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.

When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

ARE WE COMMUNICATING?

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart".

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED

In Modesto California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.

King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

DUMB AS ROCKS

Down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield California, some folks who new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuvre, no matter how much power they applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed that everything was in perfect working condition.

The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.


AGE OF CONSENT

A cop was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car in the local lover's lane,with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

He saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine. He immediately noticed a gorgeous young woman in the rear seat, who was filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked up to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window.

The young man lowered his window and said, "Uh yes, Officer?"

The trooper asked, "What are you doing?"

The young man replied, "Well officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the gorgeous young woman in the back seat, the cop asked, "'And what is she doing?"

The young man shrugged, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

By that time, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene was happening.

So the cop said, "What's your age, young man?"

The young man stated, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop then pointed to the girl and asked, "And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replied, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."


SINGLE SERVE

A guy walked into a convenience store and he grabbed a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything.

He went up to the counter with his purchases and the woman at the counter said, "Let me guess, you're single?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, how could you tell?"

She said, "Because you're really fucking ugly."


SMARTARSE ANSWERS

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
"'Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked an assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knew it, the bridge was right in front of him and his truck became wedged under it. Cars were backed up for kilometres.
Finally a police car appeared. The cop walked to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver replied, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."

A college teacher was reminding her class of the following day's final exam.
She said, "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. No other excuses whatsoever!"
A smartarse student asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.
The teacher smiled at the student and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


THE SNAKE

A blonde was selling her pet python on eBay. A man rang up and asked if it was big.

She said, "It's massive."

He asked, “How many feet?"

She replied, "None, you moron - it's a fucking snake."


STUTTERING

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Humanbeings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raised her hand and said, "I had a kitty cat that stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," the little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back and went Ffffff Ffffff Ffffff, but before she could say Fuck off, the rottweiler ate her!


AUTOCORRECT DANGER

Charlie received the following text from his neighbour Fred.

"I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

Anguished and betrayed, Charlie immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in, "Damn autocorrect. I meant 'WiFi', not 'wife'."


THE OLD GEEZER

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."

A young doctor (let's call him Dr Young), who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought that this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr Geezer's clinic.

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr Young's mouth."
Dr Young: "Aaagh! - This is gasoline!"
Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr Young became really annoyed and went back after a couple of days, figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't, that is gasoline!"
Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr Young, pretty pissed off after having lost $1000, left angrily and came back after several more days.

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything!"
Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back." He handed Dr Young a $10 bill.
Dr Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

The moral of this story - just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer."


THE OLD RANCHER

Mr Peabody, the local banker, saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife the year before. Rumour had it he was marrying a mail order bride.

Peabody asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom replied, "Yes, it is true."

Peabody asked, "May I ask the age of your new bride to be?" Tom replied, "She'll be 21 in November."

Being a wise man, Peabody knew the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man. He wanted Tom's remaining years to be happy. So he tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for a hired hand that very afternoon.

Four months later, Peabody saw Tom in town again. He asked, "How is your new wife?" Tom replied, "Good. She's pregnant."

Peabody was pleased that his sage advice had worked out so well. He asked, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too!"


COUGH

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.

"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any, so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."

"You idiot!" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."

"Of course you can," the assistant replied, "Look at him - he daren't cough now!"


THE OLD PILOT

An old pilot was sitting in the coffee lounge, still wearing his old flight jacket.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first in Tiger Moths, then DC-3s. I flew Spitfires and Hurricanes in World War Two and later in the Korean War, I flew Sabre jets. I've taught more than 300 people to fly and given rides to thousands, so I guess I am a pilot. So what are you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

The old giuy replied, :I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."


IMPECCABLE LOGIC

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, which includes a tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking beer?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending on beer at $108,000.00, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink beer, that money could have been put in an investment account and after receiving compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Now let me ask you. Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where's your Ferrari?


THE BLONDE AND THE COW

A blonde city girl named Amy married a farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer said to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The farmer left for the fields and after a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door. Amy took him down to the barn. They walked along the row of cows in their stalls and when Amy saw the nail, she told him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he was dealing with an airhead city blonde, asked, "Tell me lady, because I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," said Amy. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explained very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man asked, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

Amy turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."


THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES

All telephone numbers in the USA begin with the digits 555.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober.

If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion.

If you stick your head out of cover during a gunfight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned partners who are their total opposite.

Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

Computers never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba diving.

All watches and clocks are synchronised to the second.

No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail.

Nearly everyone speaks English, no matter where they are from. Even aliens from outer space, despite the fact they have never been to Earth, seen an Earthling, or even heard of Earth or Earthlings.

No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it.

There will always be a doctor in a plane or building with the right medical supplies.


THE GREAT MANIPULATOR

I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose." He said, "No."

I told him, "She is Bill Gates's daughter." He said, "OK."

I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son." Bill Gates said, "No"

I told Bill Gates, "My son is the CEO of the World Bank." Bill Gates said, "OK"

I called the President of the World Bank and said, "Make my son the CEO." He said, "No"

I told him, "My son is Bill Gates's son-in-law." He said, "OK"

This is exactly how politics works.


LITTLE BILLY AGAIN

Little Billy asked his dad for a TV in his room. Dad reluctantly agreed.

The next day Billy came downstairs and asked, "Dad, what's love juice?"

Dad looked horrified and decided to tell Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asked, "So what were you watching?"

Billy replied, "The tennis."


THE DIFFERENCE

A Liberal Party supporter in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Liberal looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "Yes," so the Liberal requested that she give Jesus a cup of hot chocolate, on him.

The next patron to come in was a One Nation supporter with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the One Nation supporter asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea - "my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was an Australian Labor Party supporter on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold beer?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Labor supporter directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Liberal, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Liberal felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the One Nation supporter, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The One Nation supporter felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Labor supporter, just smiling. The Labor supporter jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm on a disability pension!"


AIRLINE PILOT STUFF

Asking a pilot what he thinks about Civil Aviation Safety Authority is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs.

An airline pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Experience is gained through making mistakes. Mistakes are caused by lack of experience.

Hand-flying an ILS in a gusty crosswind is easier than adjusting the shower controls in a layover hotel.

A smooth touchdown in a simulator is as exciting as kissing your sister.

Most airline crew food tastes like warmed-over chicken because that's what it is.

Everything is accomplished through teamwork until something goes wrong - then one pilot gets all the blame.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a dead body.

Standard checklist practice requires pilots to read to each other procedures used every day and recite from memory those needed once every five years.

A crew scheduler has to be the kind of person who wakes his wife at midnight to carry out the garbage, then sends her back to let the cat in

A CASA investigation is conducted by non-flying experts who take six months to itemise the mistakes made by a crew that had six seconds to react to the emergency.

Unlike flight crew members, jet engines stop whining when the plane arrives at the gate.

Whoever said that pilots are Gods was dyslexic.

A good flight attendant says, "Good morning captain." A great flight attendant says, "It's morning, Captain."

Pigs don't become pilots when they drink.

A dispatcher's desk has never run out of fuel.


PADDY THE IRISHMAN

Paddy was struggling down the road with a wardrobe. A friend saw him and said, "Hey Paddy, why don't you get Mick to help?"

Paddy replied, "He is helping. He's inside the wardrobe, carrying the clothes,"

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Paddy told Mick, "I think that my wife is selling drugs."

Mick asked, "What makes you think that?"

Paddy replied, "The phone rang this morning and some bloke said 'Has that dope gone yet?'"

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Paddy applied for a job at a chemical factory. The manager asked, "Paddy, have you worked with chemicals before?"

Paddy replied, "Yes sir, I have."

The manager said, "Can you tell me what nitrate is"

Paddy replied, "I'm hoping that it's going to be time-and-a-half."

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Paddy applied for another job. The manager said, "We are looking for somebody responsible."

Paddy said, "Well, I'm just the man you're looking for. At my last job, every time anything went wrong, they told me that I was responsible."


JAPANESE TOURIST

A Japanese man went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah! So expensive!" Thereupon the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"


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