Ziggy Zapata Title

HUMOUR 16

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IMPORTANT LAWS

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.


FLYING WITH EL AL AIRLINES

The El Al hostess asked the passenger, "Would you like dinner?"
The passenger asked, "What are my choices?"
The El Al hostess replied, "Yes and No."

Then there was the El Al female passenger who was travelling with her baby.
The fellow next to her said, "I hate to tell you this, but your baby is the ugliest kid I have ever seen in my life.
The female passenger burst into tears and called for the hostess.
When the hostess arrived, the female said, "This nasty man insulted me terribly."
The hostess replied, "There there dear, donít worry. Iíll get you a nice cup of tea and a banana for your monkey."


REAL NEWSPAPER BLOOPERS

One-Armed Man Applauds Kindness Of Strangers

Army Vehicle Disappears - An Australian Army Vehicle Worth $74,000 Has Gone Missing After Being Painted With Camouflage

Fish Need Water, Feds Say

County To Pay $250,000 To Advertise Lack Of Funds

Caskets Found As Workers Demolish Mausoleum

Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800 Pound Ball On His Head

Utah Poison Control Centre Reminds Everyone Not To Take Poison

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

Police: Crack Found In Man's Buttocks

Police Arrest Everyone On February 22nd

The Learning Centre On Hanson Street Reports A Man Across The Way Stands At His Window For Hours Watching The Centre, Making Parents Nervous. Police ID The Subject As A Cardboard Cutout Of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Meat Head Resigns - The Head Of The Federal Agency Overseeing Meat And Poultry Inspections Is Resigning

Bridges Help People Cross Rivers

City Unsure Why The Sewer Smells

Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances

New Sick Policy Requires 2-Day Notice

Meeting On Open Meetings Is Closed

17 Remain Dead In Morgue Shooting Spree

Cow Urine Makes For Juicy Lemons

Man Accused Of Killing Lawyer Receives A New Attorney

Get 50% Off Or Half Price, Whichever Is Less

Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25

Barbershop Singers Bring Joy To School For Deaf

Homicide Victims Rarely Talk To Police

Hospitals Resort To Hiring Doctors

Puerto Rican Teen Named Mistress Of The Universe

Man With 8 DUIs Blames Drinking Problem

Nudists Fight Erection Of Towers Near Wreck Beach

Parents Keep Kids Home To Protest School Closure

Rally Against Apathy Draws Small Crowd

Girl's Schools Still Offering Something Special - Head

Starvation Can Lead To Health Hazards

The Bra Celebrates A Pair Of Historic Milestones This Year

Total Lunar Eclipse Will Be Broadcast Live On Public Radio

Rangers Get Whiff Of Colon

Miracle Cure Kills Fifth Patient

Diana Was Still Alive Hours Before She Died

Student Excited Dad Got Head Job

Missippi's Literacy Program Shows Improvement

Lady Jacks Off To Hot Start In Conference

Bugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying Bugs

Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama's Package

Illiteracy An Obstable, Study Finds

A-Rod Goes Deep, Wang Hurt

Tiger Woods Plays With Own Balls, Nike Says

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee

Homeless Survive Winter - Now What?

17 Remain Dead In Shooting Spree

Condom Truck Tips, Spills Load

Man Dies Chasing Beaver


SILLY ADVERTISEMENTS

Full-size mattress, Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty, Like new. Slight urine smell. $40.

Wanted - Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. PO Box 322 Oakview CA 93022. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

Human skull. Used once before. Not plastic. $200.

Tombstone. Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady.


SENIOR BUMPER STICKERS

Life is easy - It's the freaking people who make it difficult.

In dog years, I'm dead.

Fishmore and Doolittle - Retirement Planning Consultants.

I always cook with wine - Sometimes I even add some to the food.

Young at heart - Slightly older in other places.

Geezer - Not young. Not dead. Somewhere in-between.

Don't think about dying - It's the last thing I want to do.

I'm speeding because I want to get there before I forget where I'm going.

Don't worry about your health - It will go away.

I don't exercise - It makes my coffee spill.

I just can't get started until I've had a piping hot pot of coffee in the morning - Oh, I've tried other enemas.

At my age, "getting any" means sleep.

Eat right and exercise - And die anyway.

I'm retired - I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

At my age, "happy hour" is a nap.

Goodbye tension - Hello Pension.

Live each day as though it's your last - One day you'll get it right.

Be nice to your kids - They will choose your nursing home.

At my age, the only thing that gets harder is my arteries.

I believe in having sex on the first date - At my age, there may not be a second.

I've been diagnosed with CRS - Can't Remember Shit.

The only trouble with retirement is that you never get a damn day off.

Support bingo - Keep grandma off the streets.


SIAMESE TWINS

A guy started talking to two women in a bar, but noticed that they were Siamese twins. So they found each other attractive and eventually wound up at the guy's apartment.

He was about to make love to one of them, but felt rather bad about the other one just lying there watching. So he asked her what she would like to do. She replied, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."

So there was the guy pumping away at one of the girls, while the other one was wailing away playing the trombone. Somehow or other, he did manage to finish the lovemaking, made the Siamese twins a coffee and they left.

A few weeks later, the Siamese twins were walking past the guy's apartment. One of the girls said, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl replied, "Gee - do you think he'd remember us?"


SLOWER, OLDER AND SMARTER

A C-130 Hercules military transport aircraft was lumbering along when a F-16 fighter plane flashed by. The cocky jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" He promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said. "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll."


THE LECTURE

A man was stopped by the police around 2:00am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night"

The man replied, "My wife."


COINCIDENCE

A chicken farmer went to a local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer replied. "This is a special day for me - I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"

The woman replied, "My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs."

"That's great!" said the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," The farmer replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"


ABDULLAH THE GRANDFATHER

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arab nursing homes were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone." said the grandson.

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!"

"There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour!"

"There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!"

"And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The Fucking Arab!"


A Polish immigrant went to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's licence.

He had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z O W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


PUNS

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny - period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Weíre going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crÍpes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.


NEW DRUGS ON THE MARKET

St. Mum's Wort - Plant extract that treats mum's depression by rendering pre-schoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and improves flirting.

Dumberol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, causing enjoyment of country and western music.

Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person - can we get naked now?"

Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-All - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe that the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

JackAsspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-Talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.


THE BLUE PIGEON

The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the city centre. All of London was full of pigeon poop and it was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean. The Mayor advertised for somebody who could solve this problem.

A man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. He stated, "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons for one million pounds. But no questions. If you want, you can ask me just one question, but it will cost you another million pounds."

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day, the man climbed to the top of Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the London sky. All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird.

The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as it flew eastwards out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. The Mayor presented him with a cheque for one million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and he had decided to pay the additional one million pounds just to get to ask one question.

The man accepted the money and told the Mayor to ask his one question.

The mayor asked, "'Do you have a blue Muslim?"


DOCTOR SEUSS FOR COMPUTERS

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out now with a bang, 'cos sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk and the macro code instruction's caused unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, then turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!


THE TRADITIONAL SYDNEY RSL CLUB

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Zimbabwean and a Botswanan walk into a Sydney RSL Club.

"I'm sorry," said the doorman, after scrutinising the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."


BLONDES

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

A blonde pushed her BMW into a gas station. She told the mechanic that it died.
After he worked on it for a few minutes, it was idling smoothly.
She asked, "What's the story?"
He replied, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She asked, "How often do I have to do that?"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science And Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.
One blonde said to the other, "Which do you think is farther away - Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde replied, "Helloooooooooo - can you see Florida?"

A Russian, an American and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A police officer stopped a blonde for speeding and asked her very nicely if he could see her licence.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


THE PHOTO

After a long night of making love, the guy noticed a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asked.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he continued.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he enquired, hoping to be reassured.
"No no no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answered.
"Well, who in the hell is he then?" he demanded.
She whispered in his ear, "That's me before the surgery."


MALE LOGIC

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5, which includes a tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking beer?
Man: About twenty years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450.
Man: Correct.
Woman: So in one year, that would be approximately $5400.
Man: Yes.
Woman: So over the past twenty years, your beer spend would have been arouond $108,000.
Man: Correct.
Woman: If you didn't drink so much beer, you could have saved that money in a high interest-bearing account.
Man: That's right.
Woman: After accounting for compound interest in twenty years, you could have now bought a Ferrari.
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where's your Ferrari?


THE WALL

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray twice a day every day for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Whatís your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

She asked, "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years," he replied.

She exclaimed, "60 years! Thatís amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man," the old Jew stated.

She asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

He scowled and said, "Like Iím talking to a fucking wall."


RANDOM STUFF

Sign on a machine - Test Your Stupidity - Insert $100

Commonsense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

I hate people who say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a dickhead but you'll get used to it."

Good girls are bad girls who never get caught.


BEIJING HOTEL BROCHURE

Getting There: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed: Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.


GREAT ONE-LINERS

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I think itís wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception.

A big girl once came up to me and said, "I think you're fatist." I said, "No. I think you're fattest."

Iím so ugly that my proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

I donít like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I havenít seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.

Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the movie?

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You donít stare at it. Itís too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

There are two types of people in the world: People who say they masturbate and dirty fucking liars.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I remember the last thing my wife said to me before she died. "What are you doing here with that hammer?"

I do dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.


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