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HUMOUR 15

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ALMOST

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman replied, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You"re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn"t put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and according to you, that"s the same as putting it in!"


LOOK OF DISAPPOINTMENT

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You"re beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You"re cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."


CATHOLIC DOG

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died.

So Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya" be saying" a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


DONATION CONVERSATION

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is!"

"This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?"

"I can!"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do!"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is!"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."


THE IRISH NAVY

Did you hear about the Irish Navy? They sent a warship down to the Gulf to assist with the Iraqi War effort. When they arrived, Fidel Castro asked them what the fuck they were doing near Havana.


THE CONFESSION

An elderly man walked into a confessional.

He said to the priest, "I am 72 years old, have a wonderful wife of 55 years, many children and grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

The priest exclaimed, "Are you sorry for your sins?"

The man replied, "What sins?"

The priest said, "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

The man stated, "I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish."

The astonished priest replied, "Why are you telling me all this?"

The man exclaimed, "I'm 72 years old and I'm telling everybody!"


SHORTER TERM MEMORY

An elderly man went into a brothel and told the madam he wanted a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looked at the ancient codger and asked how old he was.

He said, "I'm 90 years old."

"90!" replied the woman. "Don't you realise you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," said the old man. "How much do I owe you?"


SENILITY

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."


PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "Into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

However, the husband became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm a pest inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and exclaimed, "Those little bastard moths!"


WEDDED BLISS

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: "Nothing."

Wife: "Nothing? You"ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

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Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes or no."

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Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

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Son: "Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

Mum: "Well, you have done the right thing."

Son: "But Mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

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A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humour!


THE JEHOVAH'S WITNESS

One day, a Jehovah's Witness knocked on a house door and a man opened it and said, "Hello."

The Jehovah's Witness said, "Hello, I'm from the Jehovah's Witnesses......."

Before the Jehovah's Witness could utter another word, the man said, "Please come inside and sit down on the couch."

The Jehovah's Witness came in and sat down and the man said, "Would you like a cup of tea and some biscuits?"

The Jehovah's Witness replied, "That would be lovely."

The man came back, placed a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits in front of the Jehovah's Witness and said, "OK, now tell me what you want me to know."

The Jehovah's Witness said in a panicked voice, "I can't!"

The man said, "Why not?"

The Jehovah's Witness exclaimed, "Because I've never got this far before!"


NOT AN ACCIDENT

At the pub, Dave stared sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

"What's up Dave?" asked the barman. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"

"It's my four year old son." Dave replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school. My lad's just the same. Forget about it, it happens to boys that age." said the barman sympathetically.

"I only wish it was that simple" continued Dave. "But it's far worse than that. The little sod has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant."

"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the barman.

"No it's not!" said Dave. "The little bastard stuck a pinhole in all my condoms"


HAPPY AND SAD

A man and his wife were watching a TV documentary on psychology about mixed feelings.

The man said, "I think that's a load of crap. Darling, see if you can think of something that engenders mixed feelings in one go, both sadness and happiness."

The wife replied, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."


AT THE POST OFFICE

Moishe walked into the post office to send a package.

The postmaster said, "This package is too heavy - you'll need another stamp."

Moishe replied, "And that will make it lighter?"


THE EXECUTION

About to be executed, three prisoners were asked by the commandant what they wished for their last meals.

The Italian responded, "Pepperoni pizza." He was promptly served the peperoni pizzas and executed.

The Frenchman requested a filet mignon, which he was served and he was immediately executed.

The Jew requested a plate of strawberries.

"STRAWBERRIES?" cried the commandant.

"Yes, strawberries," said the Jew.

The commandant replied, "But they are out of season." The Jew said, "So, I'll wait."


QUESTIONS THAT NEED TO BE ANSWERED

If four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

If western mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, do Chinese mothers use toothpicks?


JEWISH SHOPPING

A Jew was shopping on Regent Street in London. He entered a posh gourmet food store. A sales representative in a long morning coat with tie and tails approached.

"May I be of help to you, sir?"

"Yes. I'd like a pound of lox."

"Sorry, sir - do you mean smoked salmon?"

"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."

"Anything else, sir?"

"Yes, a dozen blintzes."

"I believe you mean crepes, sir."

"Okay, a dozen crepes."

"Anything else, sir?"

"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."

"You are probably referring to pate, sir."

"Okay, a pound of pate - and could you deliver all this on Saturday?"

"Sorry, sir - we don't schlep that chazzerai on Shabbos."


EFFECTS OF THE RECESSION

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 US congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of 5 cent coins while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the quarter-ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Vaucluse fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they repossessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary Clinton travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

The US Congress says that it is looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear.

I was so depressed thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds etc, I called the Suicide Hotline, and reached a call centre in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.


TRUE POLICE COMMENTS FROM THE USA

You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.

Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.

If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.

Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.

You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?

Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?

Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.

The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.

Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

In God we trust; all others we run through National Crime Information Center.

Just how big were those two beers you say you had?

No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.

I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.

You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.


CLEVER SAYINGS

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening, and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


A MALE FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess to marry him. The Princess said, ďNO!Ē

So the Prince rode motorcycles and banged skinny big-titted cheerleaders.

He hunted, fished, raced cars and went to nudie bars and dated women half his age.

He drank as much whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan as he liked.

He never heard bitching or nagging and never paid child support or alimony.

He kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell.

He had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up all the time.

And he lived happily ever after.

The end.


WORDS OF WISDOM

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, itís more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than on a bicycle.

Forgive your enemy but remember the bastardís name.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

Many people are alive only because itís illegal to shoot them.

Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.


TRUE TALES FROM DOCTORS

A man came into the ER and yelled, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab."
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart.

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked. "The patch - the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I ' m running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I would't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion, she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, "So how ' s your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled KY Jelly.

A young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing entered the Emergency Room.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green.
Above it there was a tattoo that read "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry - had to mow the lawn."

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was - I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener"

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don ' t have any milk."
"I know," she said. " I'm his Grandma, but I ' m glad I came."


CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womanís' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired
Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally, Confucius did not say - A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.


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