Ziggy Zapata Title

HUMOUR 14

<< Humour 13   Humour 15 >>

GREEN ADAIR

A huge oil fire erupted at a well in Texas and everything that the local firefighters tried could not extinguish it. One of the locals suggested getting the famous oilwell firefighter Red Adair in to put out the blaze.

Unfortunately, Red Adair was in the Middle East fighting an oilwell fire and couldn't get to Texas, but he suggested that the oil company contact his Irish cousin Green Adair to do the job.

So the oil company rang Green Adair in Dublin and he and his team immediately flew to Texas.

A huge green jet transport aircraft landed and out rolled a bright green firetruck with Green Adair and his team. The truck raced towards the out-of-control inferno, to the cheers of the onlookers.

But Green Adair and his team didn't stop at the edge of the fire - they drove right into the heart of the blaze. To everybody's astonishment, Green Adair and his team leaped out of their truck and started jumping on the flames with their feet until they put the fire out completely.

Staggering out of the ashes and soot, the blackened and charred Green Adair and his team were congratulated by the oil company president. He said, "Green Adair, that's the most amazing display of courage I've ever seen. You really deserve every cent of your fee plus I'm going to throw in a $100,000 bonus. What will you do with the money?"

Green Adair replied, "Begorra, de fust t'ing I'm going ta do is ta get de brakes fixed on our truck!"


LINGERIE

A man walked into a lingerie shop and asked for a see-through negligee, size 48-50-56.

The shop assistant looked at him and asked "Why the fuck would you want to see through that?"


IRISH JUNKIES

Two Irish heroin addicts were shooting up in an alley and sharing a needle. A policemen walked by, did a double take and immediately arrested them both.

The addicts asked him, “Officer, why are you arresting us?”

The officer responded, “Because, it is illegal to shoot up in the street and you are both stupid for sharing a needle. Don't you know you can get AIDS?”

“But officer,” said the addicts, “We're wearing condoms.”


PADDY THE IRISHMAN

Paddy went to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he told the vet.
The vet took a look and said "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy replied, "Hang on, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy spied a letter lying on his doormat.
It stated on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
Paddy spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

Paddy shoutede frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asked the Doctor.
"No", shouted Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Paddy's in jail. The warder looked into his cell and saw him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replied.
"The rope should be around your neck" said the warder.
"I tried dat" replied Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe".

An American tourist asked Paddy the dive master: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which Paddy replied, "Well, it's obvious innit? If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

Mick said to Paddy, "Christmas is on Friday this year".
Paddy said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

Paddy said "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Fuck that" replied Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

A man in a hot air balloon was lost over Ireland. He looked down and saw Paddy in the fields and shouted to him, "Where am I?"
Paddy looked up and shouted back, "Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that fuckin' basket."

Paddy and Mick were fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars passed over the bridge.
Paddy stood up, took off his cap and bowed his head.
When the cars had gone he put his cap back on, sat back down and carried on fishing.
Mick turned to him and said, "Paddy, that's one of the nicest, most respectful things I've ever seen."
Paddy replied, "Well, I thought fair enough. We were married for nearly 20 years."


THE RIDDLE

On his first trip overseas, Paddy the Irishman landed in New York City. He caught a taxi from the airport and the cabbie asked him a question.

The cabbie said, "Brothers and sisters have I none, but that man's father is my father's son. Who am I talking about?" Paddy thought about it for a while and couldn't work it out. Just before he got out of the taxi, the cabie said, "I'll give you the answer - it's ME!"

Paddy thought that was rather clever and decided to save it for his return home.

So Paddy was back in Dublin at the pub and he grabbed his best friend and said, "Mick, I have a riddle for you. Brothers and sisters have I none, but that man's father is my father's son. Who am I talking about?"

Mick thought about it for a while and couldn't work it out. He asked Paddy for the answer.

Paddy replied, "It's a cabbie in New York City!"


THE PRESIDENTIAL CLOCK

US President Bill Clinton asked intern Monica Lewinsky if she would like to see the famous Presidential Clock. Monica jumped at the chance.

Bill led Monica into his private office, locked the door, unzipped his fly and pulled out his wiener.

Monica cried out, "But Mr President, that's not a clock!"

Bill replied, "Well Monica, if you put a face and two hands on it........."


PEARLS OF AVIATION WISDOM

Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist, the parachute.

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage helicopter fly-ins?

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers and helicopters -- in that order -- need two.

There are only three things the copilot should ever say:
1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the fat one.

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will.
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight.
b. One day you will walk out to the aircraft not knowing that it is your last flight.

There are Rules and there are Laws. The Rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your aeroplane than you do. Laws of Physics were ordained by nature. You can and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.

About Rules:
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance (eg., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)

The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.

Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over, I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.

Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full!

He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.

The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.

Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but not for those who still are.

In the bush, I'd rather have a two hour bladder and three hours of fuel than vice versa.

It's not that all aeroplane pilots are good-looking. Just that good-looking people seem more capable of flying aeroplanes.

An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.

Airlines have really changed. Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

I've flown in both pilot seats. Can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot?

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.

You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, you weren't nauseated by the food. So you're grateful.

They invented wheelbarrows to teach CASA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.

The CASA Motto: We're not happy till you're not happy.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots.

You can never break the record for low altitude flight, you can only tie it.

Planes don't crash. They just run out of air.

Never fly anything with paint on the rudder pedals.


DEATHS IN IRAQ

During the US invasion and occupation of Iraq, US Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld, rushed into President George Bush's office in panic.

Rumsfeld said, "Mr President, I have some bad news. The war in Iraq is going badly and three Brazilian soldiers were killed today."

Bush turned pale and trembled.

He looked at Rumsfeld and said in a shaking voice, "Donald, exactly how many is a brazillion?"


BUSH AND THE JEWS

President Bush called in the head of the CIA and asked, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief said, "It's simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (What's Happening). They just ask each other and that's how they find out everything."

Impressed, Bush said he personally would to go undercover to see how this system worked.

So Bush disguised himself as an Orthodox Jew with hatl, false beard, false sideburns, the whole nine yards and flew secretly in an unmarked plane to New York where he was secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhoods.

As the president stood quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approacheed him and whispered "Nu,Vus Tutzuch?"

The old guy whispered back, "Did you hear that schmuck George W Bush is in Brooklyn?"


THE CODED MESSAGE

Osama Bin Laden decided to send George W Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply.

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."


THE WATCH SHOP

A man walked into a shop that had a window full of watches. A little old Jewish guy was standing behind the counter.

The man said," Here's my watch, it's broken and I need it fixed."

The little Jewish guy replied, "Sorry, we don't fix watches here."

The man said, "What the hell do you do here then?"

The Jewish guy replied, "We do circumcisions."

The man asked, "Then what are all those watches doing in your window?"

The little Jewish guy retorted, "What the hell do you want me to put in the window then?"


MALE OBSERVATIONS

When I was a kid, I used to pray at night for a new bike.
Then I realised that God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked God to forgive me.

I went to a very attractive female doctor for a checkup.
She told me that I had to stop masturbating.
I asked why.
She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

I was walking through a cemetery one day and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone.
I said, "Morning."
He replied, "Nah, just taking a shit."

Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

Getting married is like getting into a bathtub.
After you get used to it, it's not so hot.

I'm not attracted by a girl's mind.
I'm attracted by what she doesn't mind.

Guns don't kill people.
Husbands who come home early kill people.

There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to me.
Don't and stop - unless they used together.

A tight dress is like a barbed-wire fence.
It protects the premises without restricting the view.

Her job is to bitch.
Mine is to give her a reason.


THE HOOKER

One night lying together in bed, Mary tearfully said to Bill, "Darling, I've tried to be a good wife to you for ten years, but I have a confession to make."

Bill replied, "Darling you've been a most wonderful partner, but tell me what is troubling you."

Mary said, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but before I met you, I was a hooker."

Bill said, "Mary, what you did before you met me is of no consequence to me."

Mary replied, "Bill, you don't understand. Before my sex change operation, my name was George and I played rugby for the Brisbane Broncos."


THE PIRATE

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

The pirate replied., "It was my first day with the hook."


CLOTHING

A young Arab asked his father, "Papa, what are these weird headscarves that we are wearing?"

The father replied, "They are keffiyahs, because in the desert they protect our heads from the sun. "

The son asked, "And what are these strange robes that we are wearing?"

The father said, "They are djellabas, because in the desert it is very hot and they protect our bodies."

The son enquired, "Papa, so what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?"

The father replied, "They are babouches, which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert."

The son said, So tell me, Papa..."

The father replied, "Yes, my son?"

The son exclaimed, "Why are we still wearing this shit when we are living in Sydney?"


<< Humour 13   Humour 15 >>