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HUMOUR 13

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SLEEPING WITH THE WIFE

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family values.

Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?"

Larry replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?"


INTELLIGENCE

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."


ALIMONY

"Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce Court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your Honour," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


LOOKS ARE NOT IMPORTANT

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."


THE CURSE

An old man went to the Wizard to ask him if he could remove a curse he had been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard said, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man replied without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


MEXICAN MURDER

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?" the second detective exclaimed.

The first detective said, "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."


KEEPING THE FAITH

Moe said to Joe, 'My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe replied, "Really?"

Moe said, "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."


THE MISTAKE

A man was recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appeared and asked him how he was feeling.

The patient said, "I'm OK, but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery."

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

The patient replied, "Oops!"


ALL IN ONE

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.


ARRIVING IN HEAVEN

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."


AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.


TERRIBLE REAL NAMES

Seen on a Singapore ID card - Batman Bin Suparman

In a USA school album - Jesus Condom

Indian cab driver - Anass Rhammar

In a US school album - BJ Cobbledick

Agricultural show judge - Willie Stroker

On a TV news report - Jack Goff

Political candidate - Oliver Loser

US baseball player - Rusty Kuntz

US homeowner - Mike Litoris

Sex offender - Mister Love

Salesman - Robert Fagot

Birth announcement - Charley Willard Horse Dick

Realty broker - Gaye Males

Child in USA - Jed I Knight

Asian travel guide - Chew Kok


QUOTES REGARDING FRANCE

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
David Letterman

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
General Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
Jacques Chirac, President of France

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
Regis Philbin

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
John McCain , US Senator from Arizona

"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada ."
Ted Nugent

"War without France would be like .. World War II."
Unknown

"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington DC right now is one that says 'First Iraq , then France ."
Tom Brokaw

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
Dennis Miller

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.
Alan Kent

"They've taken their own precautions against Al-Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
Argus Hamilton

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day . The description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once'."
Roy Blunt, Republican. Missouri USA

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq "
Dennis Miller

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."
John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv


THE DRUMS

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river, they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."

As they travelled, the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"

Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide, "The drums stopped! What now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."


RUDE COMMENTS

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos. Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters.

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower. The other 15% haven't been to prison yet.

I just bought a racehorse called 'My Face'. It may not be any good, but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd yelling, 'Come on My Face!'

If mothers celebrate Mothers Day, fathers celebrate Fathers Day, lovers celebrate Valentines Day, do wankers celebrate Palm Sunday?


THREE MEN AT THE PEARLY GATES

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though and Saint Patrick had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replied: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off.

So I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but alive. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Patrick and he let the man in.

The second man came up and Patrick explained to him about heaven being full and again asked for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved! But then he started beating on me and kicking me. I managed to hold on until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but okay. Just when I was thinking I was going to be all right, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me, killing me instantly. And, now I’m here.”

Once again, Patrick had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death and the man was allowed into heaven.

The third man came to the front of the line and again the whole process was repeated. Patrick explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

“OK, picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator....”


THE BIKIE AND THE JEW

Moishe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making bikie stepped up next to him.

The bikie grabbed his drink and gulped it down in one swig and menacingly said, “Hey Jew boy, whatcha going to do about it?"

Moishe immediately burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the bikie said, "I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moishe said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me."

"When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home." "I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all." "I sat and thought about things - I bought a drink, dropped a capsule in and sat here watching the poison dissolve. Oy Vey!"

"Then you show up and drink the whole thing!"

"But enough about me - how's your day going?"


HEADLINES OF 2030

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India, formerly known as Australia.

Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia's third language.

Children from 2 parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.

Kookaburra and platypus plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock.

Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat, as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. Australian Government has told the Japanese that cane toads taste like whale meat.

Australia now has 10 Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Australian Deficit $10 Trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years, which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super Bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebenezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): “We'll show Congress who is too big to fail” says CEO. Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other nation volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered France!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Jose Manuel Rodriguez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Scientists prove diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.

Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and New South India.

Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra, even though gas is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 per cent.

Carlton won this year’s National football final, beating the Hindu Hornets 20-11 to 13-18.

Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines.


ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY DICTIONARY

24\7: The time signature of the national anthem of India.

AGENT: A character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary.

ARRANGER: A guy who writes to support a drinking habit.

BALLET: An art form for people with eating disorders.

BANDSTAND: The area furthest away from an electrical outlet.

BIG BAND: Nowadays, an aggregation consisting of two musicians.

BROADWAY PIT JOB: A prison sentence disguised as a gig.

CABARET: A venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.

CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME: God's way of telling you that you've practised too much.

CATERER: A man whose hatred for musicians is unrivalled.

CHANTEUSE: A singer with an accent and no time.

CLASSICAL COMPOSER: A man ahead of his time and behind in the rent.

CLUBDATER: God's way of telling you that you didn't practise enough.

CLUB DATE LEADER: Someone who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye.

CONTINENTAL VIOLINIST: A guy who rushes like he's trying to catch the last train to Budapest.

CONTRACTOR: A man whose funeral nobody goes to.

CRUISE SHIP WORK: A gig that gives a musician two reasons to throw up.

DJ: The guy your son would rather have play for his Bar Mitzvah.

D-MINOR: A rare army classification which states: in the event of war, all musicians are to only play klezmer (Yiddish music).

DOUBLE BASS: The instrument the folks footing the bill feel is unnecessary.

DOWNBEAT: The magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.

ELECTRIC PIANO: The instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.

HOTEL PIANIST: A guy who looks good in a tux.

JAZZ: The only true American art form beloved by Europeans.

JAZZ FESTIVAL: An event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on the B&O railroad.

LYRIC: That part of a tune known only by singers and homosexuals.

MELLOPHONE: An instrument best put to use when converted into a lamp.

METRONOME: The archenemy of chanteuses and cantors.

MOVIE COMPOSER: Someone who can write like anyone except himself.

NEW AGE: A musical substitute for Valium.

NEW YEAR'S EVE: The night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.

ORCHESTRATOR: The musician who enhances a composer's music, only to be chastised for it.

PERCUSSIONIST: A drummer who can't swing.

PERFECT PITCH: The ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.

PIANIST: An archaic term for a keyboard player.

PRODIGY: A kid who has as much chance at a normal childhood as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series.

RAGA: The official music of New York's Taxi and Limousine Commission.

RARE VIOLIN: A Stradivarius, not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven.

SIDEMAN: The appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich.

STAFF MUSICIAN: Harder to locate than a cavity in the Osmond family.

STEADY ENGAGEMENT: Look up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete.''

UNION REP: A guy who thinks big bands are coming back.

VERSE: The part of a tune that's disposable, except to its composer.

VIOLA D' AMORE: A baroque string instrument and coincidentally the hooker Bach lost his virginity to.

WURLITZER: The Ford Pinto of pianos.

YANNI: A man blessed with great hair for music.


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