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HUMOUR 11

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GLORIOUS INSULTS

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Comedian Kip Adota

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor
She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poisoned tea."
He answered, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Prime Minister Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir", said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy"
Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill


INTERESTING BUT VERY USELESS FACTS

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises. (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam, however)


THE PICKLE SLICER

Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. This went on for years and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his.

He spent a few months with a psychiatrist, who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it. Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.

The next day he came home from work very early, about 11:00am. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.

Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said "I don't understand. What happened to the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired too."


HERPES

Two Jewish ladies, Ruth and Golda, were walking along the street.

Ruth said to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."

Golda replied to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is and can he catch it?"

Ruth answered, "I don't know, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"

"Well," Golda said, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home - I'll look it up and call you."

So Golda went home, looked it up, and called Ruth.

She said, "Ruth, keinahurra (thank goodness)!!! I found it. Not to worry! It says: "Herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"


SADDAM'S DOUBLES

Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was so paranoid about being assassinated, that he had eight lookalikes who would impersonate him in public.

All eight of Saddam's body doubles were gathered in a bunker in downtown Baghdad.

Deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz walked in and said, "There has been another attempt at Saddam's life. But I've got good news and bad news."

"The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs."

One of the doubles spoke up and said, "what's the bad news"?

Tariq Aziz replied, "He's lost both his arms."


THE HORNY HIPPIE

A hippie boarded a bus and sat next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie asked the nun if she would have sex with him. Surprised by the question, the nun politely declined and got off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus started on its way, the driver said to the hippie "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie replied that he would love to know, so the bus driver told him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun went to the cemetery and prayed to God.

"If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you." said the bus driver.

The hippie decided this was a great idea, so that Tuesday he went to the cemetery and waited for the nun to show up. At midnight as predicted, the nun showed up.

While she was in the middle of praying, the hippie jumped out from hiding and said, "I AM GOD. I have heard your prayers and I will answer them. BUT... first you must have sex with me."

The nun agreed but asked for anal sex so she might keep her virginity, because she was married to the church. The hippie agreed to this and had his way with the nun.

After the hippie finished he stood up, ripped off the mask and shouted "Ha,Ha Ha, I'm the hippie!"

Then the nun jumped up, ripped off her habit and shouted "Ha Ha Ha, I'm the bus driver!"


LIVING NEXT DOOR TO PACKER

An Aboriginal man won Lotto and wanting to spend his money wisely, he decided to buy the house next door to Australia's wealthiest man, Kerry Packer. He knocked it down and built an exact copy of the Packer residence.

Annoyed, Kerry Packer sarcastically said to the Aboriginal man, "Nice house you got there."

The Aboriginal man replied "It's just like yours but worth a lot more."

Puzzled, Kerry Packer asked "How do you work that one out?"

The Aboriginal man replied, "When we go to sell, I can tell the prospective buyers that they will be living next door to the Packer's, whereas you have tell them they'll be living next to some Abos!"


THE KIWI

A Kiwi walked into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

He said, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend lying in bed replied: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, dickhead."

The Kiwi snorted back, "I wasn't talking to you, bitch!"


TERRIBLE DOMAIN NAMES

Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their web site is www.whorepresents.com.

Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com.

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net.

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com.

There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com.

And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com.

If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com.

The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com.

And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com


SOME QUICKIES

Man says to wife, "I had a wet dream about you last night".
"I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing".

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients.
It's a real shame because he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'Clitoris licking frog'.
She goes in and the shopkeeper says "Bonjour madame".

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much. It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Panthers Club. Security guard asks her "What's your mum like?"
Little girl replies "Big cocks and vodka."

A foreign couple in a restaurant in Parramatta asks "Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, very slowly?"
The blonde waitress leaned over and said ........ "Burrr gurrr kiiiinnng."

It's important to keep fit as you get older. My granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60.
Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.
They say it's only for the Christmas period.

Two newlyweds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks, "Do you have any reservations?" The bride answers, "Yes, well for a start, I won't take it up the arse."


DOCTORS

My doctor is very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he'll go out and come in again.

My doctor treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realised she was Chinese.

My doctor gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

My doctor's nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible."
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

A man came running in the surgery and yelled, "Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film."
The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."

I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
He said " Don't answer it."

A guy came into the surgery and said " People keep ignoring me".
The doctor said "Next!"

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these if they don't work, give me a ring."

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, "Sit over there. I'll deal with you later."

Doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment and the doctor says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."


THE SOUTH AFRICAN

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Sydney's Bondi Beach.

He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie who was sitting close by, "Vot are all dose little bleck tings out dere?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?" replied Van der Merwe. 'Vot are dose black boys doing out dere?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Great country dis!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd neffer git away with dat at home!"


AHMED

Ahmed the Arab came to Sydney from the Middle East. He was only here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The Arab doctor said, "Ahmed, take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket, piss on de shit and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."


HOW MANY IS THAT?

Dick Cheney briefed President Bush with news from Iraq. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed that day.

To everyone's amazement, the colour ran out of Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk.

Head in his hands, Bush was trembling and visibly shaken.

Finally he composed himself and asked Cheney, "Just exactly how many is a Brazillion?"


THE WISDOM OF PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH

The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.

The future will be better tomorrow.

We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

For NASA, space is still a high priority.

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.


GREAT HEADLINES

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


TRUE PLACE NAMES

Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Brown Willy (every schoolboy's favourite, Cornwall, UK)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Turdo (Romania)
Fukum (Yemen)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Tittybong (Australia)
Dikshit (India)


UNIVERSAL LAWS

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Doctor's Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


GREAT LINES AND SAYINGS

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot - Some parts are just missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs - a day's work for a chicken, but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

It's scary when your body starts making the same noises as your coffee machine.

I keep hitting 'Escape' but I'm still here.

Ever get the feeling that your stuff strutted off without you?


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