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HUMOUR 10

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THE WIT OF JEREMY CLARKSON OF THE TV SHOW 'TOP GEAR'

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."

"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster, "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom"

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR, "There is a word to describe this car: it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot"

"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."'

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheelchair access."

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show.......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!."

On the Lotus Elise, "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved....for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."

"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."

"You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a woman!"

"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."

On the Porsche Cayenne, "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."


SOME INTERESTING MOVIE FACTS

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people, whether they are employed or not.

At least one in a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading intergalactic alien society.

It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will all wait patiently and politely to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just a bit blueish.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman - but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land an aircraft, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk them down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba diving.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German).

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word-processors never display a cursor on screen, but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. (And don't forget - tyres will squeal on any surface at any speed).

All bombs are conveniently fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

When paying a bill you never have to wait for change.

No matter how busy the traffic, you will always find a parking spot outside the place you're headed.

If you and your friends are in a cabin in the woods in the dead of night and there's a maniac loose outside - always venture out one at a time to investigate any noise.


REAL STUPID NEWSPAPER STUFF

These really stupid things were actually published

FEDERAL AGENTS RAID GUNSHOP, FIND WEAPONS

STATISTICS SHOW THAT TEEN PREGNANCY DROPS OFF SIGNIFICANTLY AFTER AGE 25

COUNTY TO PAY $250,000 TO ADVERTISE LACK OF FUNDS

GET 50% OFF - OR HALF PRICE, WHICHEVER IS LESS

ONE-ARMED MAN APPLAUDS THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS

CASKETS FOUND AS WORKERS DEMOLISH MAUSOLEUM

UTAH POISONS CONTROL CENTER REMINDS EVERYONE NOT TO TAKE POISON

ARMY VEHICLE DISAPPEARS AFTER BEING PAINTED WITH CAMOUFLAGE

POLICE: CRACK FOUND IN MAN'S BUTTOCKS

FISH NEED WATER, FEDS SAY

FULL SIZE MATTRESS, LIKE NEW, SLIGHT URINE SMELL - $40

TOMBSTONE: STANDARD GREY. a GOOD BUY FOR FOR SOMEONE NAMED GRADY


PAR FOR THE COURSE

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about to consummate their marriage, when the new bride said to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replied, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continued, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then made passionate love. When they were done, the husband got up and walked to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asked the wife.

The husband said, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that. He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband put down the phone and went back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finished, he got up and went over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asked.

The husband said, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slammed down the phone, went back to bed, and made love one more time. When they finished he was dead tired. He dragged himself over to the phone and started to dial.

The wife asked, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"


THE CONFESSION

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary.

The wife said, "Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married, I was a hooker for eight years."

The husband pondered for a moment and then looked into his wife's eyes.

He said, "My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you. In fact, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?"

She replied, "I don't think you understand. My name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales."


AUSTRALIAN FOOTBALLER COMMENTS

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Shane Wakelin

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Mick Malthouse - Collingwood

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
Barry Hall - Sydney captain

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Barry Hall - Sydney captain

Brock Maclean - Melbourne, on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt:
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Kevin Sheedy on James Hird

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games:
"It's basically the same, just darker."

Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton:
"I told him, Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?"
"He said, Barass, I don't know and I don't care."

Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first."

"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago."
Dermott Brereton

"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."
Mark Williams

"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored."
Ben Cousins - West Coast Eagles

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Luke Darcy

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical."
Dermott Brereton

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious."
Adrian Anderson

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Andrew Demetriou

"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better."
Dermott Brereton

"I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
Terry Wallace

Garry Lyon: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
David Swartz: "On what?"

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
Dermott Brereton

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
Dermott Brereton


SCHOOL DAZE

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile'?
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie. Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.


IN RUSSIA TODAY

An old Russian's wife told him to go to the butcher shop and get some meat. He went to the butcher shop and stood in line for hours. Finally the butcher said, "We're out of meat."

The old guy blew his top. He yelled, "I am a worker! I am a proletarian! I am a veteran of the Great Patriotic War! I have fought for socialism all my life and now you tell me you're out of meat! What kind of a system is this? You are fools! You are thieves!"

A big man in a trench coat walked up to the old guy and said, "Comrade, Comrade, not so loud. In the old days, you know what they would do if you said such things."

The big man in the trench coat made a pistol motion with his hand. He said to the old Russian, "Calm down and go home." The old guy shrugged and left the shop.

He came back empty-handed and his wife said, "What's the matter, are they out of meat?"

"Worse than that," retorted the old guy, "They're out of bullets."


POLITICALLY INCORRECT

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot, or a Frenchman an Asshole.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone.
I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just taking a leak."

I went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical chairs was a bit slow, but pass the parcel was quick!!!

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way.
So I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul........won't it start?"


STUPID PEOPLE

Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

  •   Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

    "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
  •   Mariah Carey

    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
  •   Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
  •   Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
  •   Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC

    "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
  •   A congressional candidate in Texas

    "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
  •   Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
  •   Al Gore, Vice President

    "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix"
  •   Dan Quayle

    "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
  •   Lee Iacocca

    "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
  •   Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.

    "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
  •   Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

    "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
  •   Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

    "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
  •   Keppel Enderby

    "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
  •   Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman


    BUMPER STICKERS

    Jesus is coming - Look busy.

    Can't feed them? Don't breed them.

    4 out of every 3 people have trouble with fractions.

    I child-proofed my house - But they still get in.

    Where the hell is Easy Street?

    If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?

    Keep working - Millions on welfare depend on you.


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