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HUMOUR 01

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THE VENTRILOQUIST

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walked into a small village and saw a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figured he'd have a little fun.

So he said to the Kiwi "can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"


NEW ZEALANDERS

A couple of Kiwis died and turned up at the Pearly Gates, dressed in their customary black stubbies, singlets and thongs.

St Peter took one look at them and said "I know all about you Kiwis. You're nothing but a bunch of no-good lazy layabouts who'd steal anything that wasn't nailed down, so just piss off!"

Slamming the Pearly Gates in their faces, St Peter stormed off. When reporting to God, he mentioned the arrival of the Kiwis and what he had said to them.

God reacted "You can't do this - this is Heaven and all creatures great and small are welcome. Go right back to the Pearly Gates and admit the two Kiwis."

St Peter ran to the Pearly Gates, took one look and immediately rushed back to God. He cried "They're gone!"

"What?" replied God, "The Kiwis are gone?"

"No!" exclaimed St Peter, "The Pearly Gates!"


TRUE STORIES

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily, this time it worked.

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Labourer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: "Boy, you sure have got fat in four years."

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The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

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Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Romania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded onto the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.

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An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.

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A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

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In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after she hid the caps to his toy pistol.

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A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago, returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.

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After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the twenty mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.

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In Minneapolis USA, 28-year-old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian roulette, but having no revolver, instead put a semi automatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently he did not realise that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.

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Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.

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An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


THE KGB

The phone rang at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons went over to Rabinovitz's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept, chopped up every piece of wood, found no diamonds, swore at Yankel Rabinovitz and left.

The phone rang at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch ploughed."


DUMB PACKAGING LABELS

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(DOH! Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I have to admit, I'm curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts."
(NEWS FLASH!!!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta)

On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one)

On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? Good grief!)

On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's okay honey just grab the Palmolive!)

On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:
"If swallowed contact poison control."
(Oh please. Have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)

On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
"Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
(Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids)


GREAT COMEBACK

This is an exact transcript of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base"

GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit, that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "Don't see how,..... we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


GREAT COMEBACK

A defence attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.


DUMB BLONDE

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying YOU'VE GOT MAIL"


THE FBI

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlour with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.

Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: No "@%#!#%@" way!

*Click*


ALL IDIOTS SHOULD WEAR SIGNS

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.

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Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.

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A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller, who read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that the robber wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

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A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!

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Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!

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A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.

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Arkansas: This guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!

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Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Give him a sign printed on a food order.


DUMB BLONDE

A blonde called her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?", he asked.

"It's of a big rooster", she replied.

"All right," he said, "I'll come over and have a look."

When he arrived, she thanked him for coming over and led him over to the kitchen table where she had it laid out.

He took one look at what she's been struggling with and said, "Oh, for God's sake, put the Corn Flakes back in the box!"


JAPANESE

Two Japanese businessmen were talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house.

The first businessman said, "Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonouring you. I saw her the other night and she was out with another man."

Hirokosan couldn't believe what he heard, and asked for more information.

"It is as I said, Hirokosan, and even worse, she is doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith."

Shocked, Hirokosan went home to confront his wife. He faced her and said, "I am told that you are dishonouring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."

She replied, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such mishugaus?


RULES FOR FLYING

Every take-off is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick backwards, they get smaller. That is, unless you pull the stick back all the way. Then they get bigger again.

Flying is not dangerous. Crashing is.

It's always better to be down here, wishing you were up there, than to be up there wishing you were down here.

The ONLY time you can have too much fuel is when you are on fire.

The propeller is really a big fan in front of the aeroplane to keep the pilot cool. If the fan stops, you will notice the pilot break out into a sweat.

When in doubt, hold onto your altitude. No one ever crashed into the sky.

A 'good' landing is one you can walk away from. A 'great' landing is one after which you can use the plane again.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them yourself.

You will know you have landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi to the hangars.

The probability of survival in a landing is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival on the tarmac. Large angle of arrival, small chance of survival, and vice versa.

Never allow a plane to take you somewhere that your brain hasn't been five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The old saying that every cloud has a silver lining probably means there is another silver aeroplane coming in the opposite direction. Also, mountains have a bad habit of hiding in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings equal to the number of take-offs.

There are three simple rules for a smooth landing. Unfortunately, nobody knows them.

You start your flying career with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the experience bag before the bag of luck runs out.

Helicopters cannot fly. They are so ugly that the earth repels them.

If all you can see out of the front window is the earth spinning around and all you hear from the passengers is loud commotion, there might just be some little thing not as it should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going at hundreds of miles an hour and the earth going at zero miles an hour, the earth has yet to lose.

Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually is the result of bad judgement.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end of the aircraft going forward as much as possible.

Keep looking around. There is always something you have missed. It is a good idea to keep missing them.

Remember that gravity is not just a good idea, it is a law, and cannot be appealed or repealed.

The three most USELESS things for a pilot is altitude ABOVE you, runway BEHIND you, and a tenth of a second ago.

There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. But there are no old, bold pilots.


AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE ISSUES

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour!

Here are some actual maintenance complaints generally known as squawks or problems submitted by QANTAS pilots to maintenance engineers to fix prior to the aircraft's next flight.

After attending to the squawks, the maintenance crews are required to log the details of action taken as a solution to the pilot's squawks.

The following are some recent squawks and subsequent responses by maintenance crews.

(P) = The problem logged by the pilot
(S) = The solution and action taken by maintenance engineers

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) DME volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on backorder

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for!

(P) Suspected crack in windscreen
(S) Suspect you're right

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

(P) Mouse in cockpit
(S) Cat installed


Humour 02 >>