There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think - I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if you can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for being in the country illegally.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if you have to have your parentís signature to go on a school field trip but not to get an abortion.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if an 80-year-old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burqa is only subject to having her neck and head searched.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his teacher "cuteĒ but hosting a sexual exploration/sexual diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if the Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts cannot display the Ten Commandments in their courtroom, while sitting in front of a display of the Ten Commandments.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug addicts are left to rot in filth infested cesspools of a "home".
You know you live in a country run by idiots if hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and government intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidised housing and free cellphones.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if the government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide 99 weeks of unemployment cheques to not work.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the constitution is protecting the rights of the people.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if the rights of the Government come before the rights of the individual.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if you pay your mortgage and deny yourself the newest big screen TV or latest gadgets but your neighbour defaults on his mortgage while buying iPhones, TVs and new cars and the government forgives his debt and reduces his mortgage with your tax dollars.
You know you live in a country run by idiots if being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe".
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, COMMON SENSE , who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
COMMON SENSE lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
COMMON SENSE lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
COMMON SENSE lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
COMMON SENSE took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
COMMON SENSE finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
COMMON SENSE was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, by his daughter Responsibility and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
Not many attended the funeral of COMMON SENSE because so few realised that he was gone.
ON TURNING 70 - "I still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 - "That"s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 - "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 - "I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING - "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR - "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, "Passover".
ON GOLF - "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS - "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER - "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL - "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY"S EARLY POVERTY - "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS - "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES - "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN - "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings."
There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.
Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
Virginity can be cured.
Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives.
Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
Religion was born when the first con man met the first fool.
If voting made any difference, they wouldn't let us do it.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus.
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
The human race has one really effective weapon and that is laughter.
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
The way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like and do what you'd rather not.
A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no longer be led by the nose.
Go and surprise the whole country by doing something right.
Fortune knocks at every man's door once in a life, but in a good many cases the man is in a neighbouring saloon and does not hear her.
There are no people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of government. But then I repeat myself.
No man's life, liberty or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save government.
The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Classic - a book which people praise and don't read.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Donít go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Life is short, break the rules. Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that makes you smile.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir - mighty scarce.
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
Fairness isn't giving my money to lazy people.
Don't spread my wealth - spread my work ethic.
You think healthcare is expensive now? Just wait until it's FREE!
Why in the hell should I have to press "1" for English?
Conservative voters work hard so you don't have to.
Government doesn't work - please return my taxes.
Actually, no-one owes you crap.
The best social program is a job.
What part of "Terrorists Want To Kill Us" don't you get, you idiot?
Why should I pay for your healthcare?
The problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other peoples' money.
No, I don"t have PMS. I just really hate you.
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone.
Stupidity is not a crime so you're free to go.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Before giving someone a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Everything is on loan from the government until you can't pay your taxes.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Heck is for people that don't believe in Gosh.
I have the body of a god - Buddha.
If God intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat?
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids!
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is - it's always room temperature.
Itís not that Iím afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Just because you're paranoid doesn"t mean they're not out to get you.
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
When life is bad, keep your head up. That way you don't see all the shit you've stepped in.
Where in the nursery rhyme does say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
You are depriving some village of its idiot.
Advice from Bill Gates to Mt Whitney High School students in Visalia, California.
Here's some advice that Bill Gates gave about 11 things that they did not and will not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this set them up for failure in the real world.
Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
The doctrine of Christianity: Salvation consists of an act of symbolic cannibalism and surrendering to a spiritual master in the sky through an act of telepathic capitulation, to overcome the taint acquired by a woman made from a rib, who was convinced by a talking snake to eat the fruit from a magic tree.
When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called INSANITY
When many people suffer from a delusion, it is called RELIGION
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies - not good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they train people to throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they walk down the street with a bald head, a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and fifty for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I scream the same whether I'm about to be eaten by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I'm 63. Except for one semester in college when jobs were scarce and a six-month period when I was between jobs, but job-hunting every day, I've worked, hard, since I was 18. Despite some health challenges, I still put in 50-hour weeks and haven't called in sick in seven or eight years. I make a good salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, there's no retirement in sight and I'm tired. Very tired.
I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary and give it to people too lazy to earn it.
I'm tired of being told that I have to pay more taxes to "keep people in their homes." Sure, if they lost their jobs or got sick, I'm willing to help. But if they bought McMansions at three times the price of our paid-off, $250,000 condo, on one-third of my salary, then let the left-wing Congress-critters who passed Fannie and Freddie and the Community Reinvestment Act that created the bubble help them with their own money.
I'm tired of being told how bad America is by left-wing millionaires like Michael Moore, George Soros and Hollywood entertainers who live in luxury because of the opportunities America offers. In thirty years, if they get their way, the United States will have the economy of Zimbabwe, the freedom of the press of China the crime and violence of Mexico, the tolerance for Christian people of Iran and the freedom of speech of Venezuela.
I'm tired of being told that Islam is a Religion of Peace, when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family honour; of Muslims rioting over some slight offence, of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren't believers, of Muslims burning schools for girls, of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for adultery, of Muslims mutilating the genitals of little girls, all in the name of Allah because the Koran and Sharia law tells them to.
I'm tired of being told that race doesn't matter in the post-racial world of Obama, when it's all that matters in affirmative action jobs, lower college admission and graduation standards for minorities (harming them the most), government contract set-asides, tolerance for the ghetto culture of violence and fatherless children that hurts minorities more than anyone and in the appointment of US Senators from Illinois.
I'm tired of being told that out of tolerance for other cultures, we must let Saudi Arabia use our oil money to fund mosques and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in America, while no American group is allowed to fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia to teach love and tolerance.
I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate. My wife and I live in a two-bedroom apartment and carpool together five miles to our jobs. We also own a three-bedroom condo where our daughter and granddaughter live. Our carbon footprint is about 5% of Al Gore's and if you're greener than Gore, you're green enough.
I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease and I must help support and treat them and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them and stuff white powder up their noses while they tried to fight it off? I don't think gay people choose to be gay, but I damn sure think druggies chose to take drugs. And I'm tired of harassment from cool people treating me like a freak when I tell them I never tried marijuana.
I'm tired of illegal aliens being called undocumented workers, especially the ones who aren't working, but are living on welfare or crime. What's next? Calling drug dealers undocumented pharmacists? And, no, I'm not against Hispanics. Most of them are Catholic, and it's been a few hundred years since Catholics wanted to kill me for my religion. I'm willing to fast track for citizenship any Hispanic person who can speak English, doesn't have a criminal record and who is self-supporting without family on welfare, or who serves honourably for three years in our military. Those are the citizens we need.
I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of both parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught.
I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.
Speaking of poor, I'm tired of hearing people with air-conditioned homes, colour TVs and two cars called poor. The majority of Americans didn't have that in 1970, but we didn't know we were poor. The poverty pimps have to keep changing the definition of poor to keep the dollars flowing.
I'm real tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination or big-whatever for their problems.
Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 63. Because, mostly, I'm not going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for my granddaughter.
NOTE: Robert A Hall is the actor who plays the coroner on US TV series CSI. He is a Marine Vietnam veteran who served five terms in the Massachusetts State Senate.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists in the universe is that none of them have attempted to contact us.
Whoever lost a bundle of $100 bills rolled up with a rubber band around it, I found your rubber band.
I've learned so much from my mistakes that I'm thinking of making a whole lot more of them.
It's a good thing for marriage, otherwise a lot of us guys would go through our entire lives not even realising we had any faults at all.
I'm going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you get to see someone practise making a mistake.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please".
Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?
What would everything taste like if Noah had eaten those two chickens?
Is your wife not speaking to you? Go to the kitchen and close all the lids on jars really really tight.
Friends are God's way of apologising for family.
If intelligence is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I shared an elevator with a lot of really smart people today.
Some people cause joy and happiness wherever they go - others when they go.
The human body is amazing - you breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
They've come out with a new Divorced Barbie - the doll comes with all Ken's stuff.
The 21st century: an era where deleting history has become more important than making it.
I sent that Ancestry website some information on my family tree. They sent me back a pack of seeds and suggested that I start over.
The seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
It's tough losing weight when you suffer from an over-active knife and fork.
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead and it is difficult for others. It's the same when you are stupid.
Any woman can help make you a millionaire. First you need to be a billionaire.
I miss the good old days when duels were considered an acceptable form of mediation.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
There was a glorious era before social media, when you could just lose touch with people.
I've had bad luck with both of my wives - the first one left me, the second one didn't.
Clearly, those who say they sleep like a baby haven't got one.
My ex-wife is responsible for turning me to religion. I never believed in hell before I married her.
The sinking of the Titanic must have seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
You know that it's time to clean your refrigerator when something from the inside shuts the door.
Frankly autocorrect, I'm getting really tired of your shirt.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are others.
I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings when I called you a moron. I honestly thought you already knew.
My wife's wallet was stolen with all her credit cards but I didn't cancel them. The thief spends less than my wife.
I ordered an Eastern European bride online. I just got a confirmation that my Czech is in the mail.
We hang petty thieves and appoint the great thieves to public office.
Aesop, Greek slave and fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
Nikita Khrushchev, Russian General and Soviet politician
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
John Quinton, American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Oscar Ameringer, the Mark Twain of American Socialism
I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".
Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
Charles de Gaulle, French general and politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson, English athlete
What happens if a politician drowns in a river? It is pollution. What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!
I think women are foolish to pretend that they are equal to men. They are far superior and always have been. Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.